To a Counselor, After My Missed Appointments


I’m sorry I didn’t come to my appointment today. I’m sorry my anxiety, depression and the side effects of my fourth medication in just a few months has kept me groggy and sick inside the safety of my bed again. That I canceled numerous times, even though I swear I have no memory of ever canceling, and despite your claims I called in to cancel over four times just this semester. But it’s probably true – when I’m sick, I lose some of my long-term memory and nearly all of my short-term memory.

I’m sorry I appear to you to have no motivation, even though the reality is not a true lack of motivation but rather a lack of energy and strength. I’m truly sorry you believe you’re not actually helping me, that you’re just wasting my time with these scattered, inconsistent appointments. I’m sorry I feel I’m wasting yours.

I know what you might think: after all, you’re a human too, just like everyone else I know. You might think I’m lazy, you might think I prioritize other things above my own health, but if only you saw a glimpse of my life right now. My health, or lack thereof, is my life right now. With little or no memory, attention span, energy or hope, it’s hard for me to do anything productive – if I finish a homework assignment, I pat myself on the back. I hope you’ll understand; I don’t know if you’ve ever had a patient quite like me.

To the one I know who cares but doesn’t understand, I hope to see you soon.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via monkeybusinessimages


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

black and white woman underwater

Having Hope When Depression Feels Like Drowning

Much of my experience is hard to express with words. The best I can do is give you metaphors, because those will convey the emotion and truth far more intensely than any candid explanation could. Have you ever been caught underwater? Inhaling water and panicking as it burns your throat? I have. I can’t swim [...]
blonde woman looking into mirror applying face mask

The Mask I Wear to Hide My Depression

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Every day, it’s the same routine. I wake up, shower, eat and put on my mask. The mask is the face I put on for the world. The mask [...]
man standing on street looking at futuristic city at night, sci-fi concept, illustration painting

When You Have One of 'Those Nights' With Depression

Tonight is just one of those nights. I haven’t had one of these nights in a while, but I guess tonight was bound to come. As someone with depression, I dread nights like tonight. Nights when it seems like nothing will ever get better, where no matter how hard I try, I can find no happiness or [...]
girl smiling with pit bull terrier dog

Why My Dog Is My Weapon Against My Anxiety and Depression 

When I graduated college, I was struggling. I was nervous, anxious and panicky about everything. I was worried about my future and I was depressed. I thought nothing was going to happen for me — nothing positive. Only a couple weeks after graduation, I noticed I couldn’t open my laptop anymore. I couldn’t look at [...]