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To a Counselor, After My Missed Appointments

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I’m sorry I didn’t come to my appointment today. I’m sorry my anxiety, depression and the side effects of my fourth medication in just a few months has kept me groggy and sick inside the safety of my bed again. That I canceled numerous times, even though I swear I have no memory of ever canceling, and despite your claims I called in to cancel over four times just this semester. But it’s probably true – when I’m sick, I lose some of my long-term memory and nearly all of my short-term memory.

I’m sorry I appear to you to have no motivation, even though the reality is not a true lack of motivation but rather a lack of energy and strength. I’m truly sorry you believe you’re not actually helping me, that you’re just wasting my time with these scattered, inconsistent appointments. I’m sorry I feel I’m wasting yours.

I know what you might think: after all, you’re a human too, just like everyone else I know. You might think I’m lazy, you might think I prioritize other things above my own health, but if only you saw a glimpse of my life right now. My health, or lack thereof, is my life right now. With little or no memory, attention span, energy or hope, it’s hard for me to do anything productive – if I finish a homework assignment, I pat myself on the back. I hope you’ll understand; I don’t know if you’ve ever had a patient quite like me.

To the one I know who cares but doesn’t understand, I hope to see you soon.

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Thinkstock photo via monkeybusinessimages

Originally published: April 11, 2017
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