I Really Don't Want to Feel Depressed


I can admit I don’t want to feel depressed. It’s kind of like choosing something you don’t like. Brussel sprouts would be the equivalent of depression for me. I will not eat them. It’s not that simple with depression. I can wake up in the morning and say I will not feel sad today, but that doesn’t make it so.

There is a silence inside my soul that reserves itself just for the unknown. It’s where reality defies hidden dimensions. It is where my own mind can become a babbling brook of syllables. Not freely available but I would give my heart to be freed from the rushing waters of grief, sadness and silence.

Grief is the most silent alienation I have been alive to experience. There are times when the silence is the loudest thing I can remember ever hearing.

Why would I want to live this way? I have tried to make noise in the silence. It just gets louder.

I have been working on the things I don’t understand. But the truth is, I can’t stick with the subject in question long enough to make headway. Self-help books are the reason for everything colliding. They consume mental energy, dig up old garbage and give me an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.

No, I do not want to live this way. I do not want people to say it is a choice. It is absolutely absurd to believe this is the reason I am on this planet.

Somewhere there is hope. I won’t stop until I find it. Don’t you stop either.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Photo by Glenn Carstens Peters, via Unsplash


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

sunset above traffic and suburban area

Dear Boyfriend Who Tries to Fully Grasp My Depression

Of course, you have seen every inch of “flaw” I possess. Whether it makes your heart or face glow with warmth or whether you find those flaws mentally perplexing, I know you have seen the darkest to the brightest of my days. You have seen the side I am not willing to expose to anyone [...]
woman facing purple and pink sunset silhouetted against sky

To My Anxiety and Depression, for the Good and Bad You've Given Me

To my anxiety and depression, You have been a part of my life for many years now, but still, I struggle to understand you. You are always there… not there for me, but there to challenge me. You challenge me every day to fight an invisible illness, to dig down deep within myself for strength. [...]
friends silhouetted against sunset with peace and heart signs

A Letter to Myself From My Depression

Dear Alyssa, I’ve been a really shitty friend. I’ve neglected you and bullied you and put you in dangerous situations without caring about your well-being. I’m truly sorry. I wish I could go back to the beginning, when all the dark thoughts appeared and found a way to resist them. I wish I could have [...]
sad young man looking at reflection in window

Why the Man in My Body Isn't Me

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. The man in my body isn’t me. I look in the mirror and all I see is a pained and broken man. I smile, but it’s always fake. I [...]