I Really Don't Want to Feel Depressed
I can admit I don’t want to feel depressed. It’s kind of like choosing something you don’t like. Brussel sprouts would be the equivalent of depression for me. I will not eat them. It’s not that simple with depression. I can wake up in the morning and say I will not feel sad today, but that doesn’t make it so.
There is a silence inside my soul that reserves itself just for the unknown. It’s where reality defies hidden dimensions. It is where my own mind can become a babbling brook of syllables. Not freely available but I would give my heart to be freed from the rushing waters of grief, sadness and silence.
Grief is the most silent alienation I have been alive to experience. There are times when the silence is the loudest thing I can remember ever hearing.
Why would I want to live this way? I have tried to make noise in the silence. It just gets louder.
I have been working on the things I don’t understand. But the truth is, I can’t stick with the subject in question long enough to make headway. Self-help books are the reason for everything colliding. They consume mental energy, dig up old garbage and give me an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.
No, I do not want to live this way. I do not want people to say it is a choice. It is absolutely absurd to believe this is the reason I am on this planet.
Somewhere there is hope. I won’t stop until I find it. Don’t you stop either.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Photo by Glenn Carstens Peters, via Unsplash