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I Really Don't Want to Feel Depressed

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I can admit I don’t want to feel depressed. It’s kind of like choosing something you don’t like. Brussel sprouts would be the equivalent of depression for me. I will not eat them. It’s not that simple with depression. I can wake up in the morning and say I will not feel sad today, but that doesn’t make it so.

There is a silence inside my soul that reserves itself just for the unknown. It’s where reality defies hidden dimensions. It is where my own mind can become a babbling brook of syllables. Not freely available but I would give my heart to be freed from the rushing waters of grief, sadness and silence.

Grief is the most silent alienation I have been alive to experience. There are times when the silence is the loudest thing I can remember ever hearing.

Why would I want to live this way? I have tried to make noise in the silence. It just gets louder.

I have been working on the things I don’t understand. But the truth is, I can’t stick with the subject in question long enough to make headway. Self-help books are the reason for everything colliding. They consume mental energy, dig up old garbage and give me an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.

No, I do not want to live this way. I do not want people to say it is a choice. It is absolutely absurd to believe this is the reason I am on this planet.

Somewhere there is hope. I won’t stop until I find it. Don’t you stop either.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Photo by Glenn Carstens Peters, via Unsplash

Originally published: May 4, 2017
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