Dear Mom – When You Cried After My Doctor's Appointment
I’m sorry. I know you couldn’t have imagined this for our family or for me. It’s funny to think that just a couple of years ago, we had no idea was postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) was, no idea was dysautonomia was.
I think it was the vision check that really put it into perspective. That was the first time I saw you cry. We had gone in, and been told yet again, something in my body didn’t work. This time it was my eyes. Not only could I not see without glasses or contacts but I couldn’t track, the first of my learning disabilities. I was in ninth grade. The year after the great year of diagnoses, doctor appointments, and depression. We sat out in the car and you cried, and I didn’t know what to say. I felt so bad for you but I had no idea how to make you feel better. We were so tired. We had probably only been to five appointments. We have been to so many more since then.
Let’s be honest: We are the dream team when it comes to appointments. From multitudes of nurse practitioners in the beginning who gave me all those tests to all those meds that made me sick, or suicidal…To the dysautonomia appointments that changed everything. And, you have been with me by my side. You have watched over me and both of us have made our way together through the maze in the world of mental health and neurological disorders. And it has been tough.
I know a lot of people have gone through so much worse but I think we have had our share of hard appointments and experiences. I am so fortunate that I have enough time to figure to how to take care of myself with your help and your advice. I have no idea what I would have done if I was an adult with more responsibilities.
Though time has passed after the appointment that left you in tears, I think I know what to say now. I know it is so long after the fact but I still want to say something to try to make you feel better. You’ve been there for me so many times I have to return the favor. I’m sorry when I call you at 11:30 p.m. because I can’t go to sleep. I’m sorry I freak out about random stuff like grades, friends, and social events that I know I can’t attend. But I appreciate what you do for me so much.
Do you remember that gratefulness journal I got back in January? You said I should try to write down three things a week that I am grateful for. I write down at least two things every day. I can fit five days on every page. Do you know what I am grateful for on every single page? You, Mom. So the going might get tough, and it might get really tough, but I know that you will be there for me for every late night phone call, and for every appointment. And I love you so much for that. So happy Mother’s Day. I hope it is the best one yet.
With all my love,
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
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