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The Questions That Flooded My Mind After Chris Cornell's Suicide

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

“Whomsoever I’ve cured
I’ve sickened now
Whomsoever I’ve cradled
I’ve put you down
I’m a search light soul
They say but I can’t
See it in the night
I’m only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days

“Fell on Black Days” (Soundgarden)

Today was the first day I allowed myself to listen to his music, since I learned of his passing. It made me feel super weird, but it was necessary. I had been in some serious denial, but now that more information about his final days has come out, I guess it makes sense. You don’t close a show with “In My Time of Dying,” for no reason. Maybe not when you struggle with mental illness, anyway.

I’m sure a lot of people find it silly for me to mourn him like this, but I highly doubt I’m the only one. You can’t understand, unless you have ever attached your soul to someone’s lyrics or story, just to keep it from burning out.

I think I’m so deeply shaken because once again, I’m left to wonder about a lot of things.

Tons of celebrities are advocates for mental health awareness and suicide prevention. Mostly because of their own struggles. What does it mean then, when an advocate can’t hold on anymore? What does it mean, when the light is snuffed, from the beacon that once lit up your dark soul? What does it mean, when they can no longer practice their own message? What does it mean when their hope, which always gave you hope, is lost? What does it mean, when their mental demons win?

My thoughts are flooded with, When will my moment of weakness come? When will my mind want to end it all? When will the ugly monster, that is my suicidal thoughts, take over? When will my soul burn out? When will my hope be lost?

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions. All I know is, I cried when Robin Williams died, and I cried when Scott Weiland died, and I cried when Amy Bleuel died, and I really cried when Chris Cornell died. They were a breath of fresh air and a message of hope, for so many people. But at the end of the day, they were only human. They were not god-like creatures, superior to emotion and pain. They were human, just like me. They were struggling, just like me. That’s why their deaths scare the shit out of me.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to let my light die. I don’t want to lose all hope and let my demons win. My brain may tell me it would be best, but my heart is a fighter.

“You the only person alive who holds the key to your healin’
So you take it and you run with it
And keep going even when your sun’s hidden
Because the time we spent in darkness when the rain come
Is where we often find the light soon as the pain’s done”

“Battle Cry” (Angel Haze feat. Sia)

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Photo via Chris Cornell Facebook.