When Depression Sucks You Back In

Appointment after appointment, I read the words on my visit summary. “Major Depression in full remission.”

Appointment after appointment, those words rang true. I felt significantly better. I was happy for the first time in years and life was like a movie. Birds chirped, colors shone with a magnificent vibrance and friendships blossomed.

That movie ended abruptly. I was under mild amounts of stress when the depression flooded back in, but at the time I thought I was handling it well. At the time, I didn’t even recognize the returning depression for what it was. To me, it was a bad day. Then, a string of bad days. Days turned to weeks before I saw my illness, back in full force for the first time in months, taking over.

A small part of me let it take over for a while. I fell back into patterns that pointed to depression. I slept as much as possible during the day and little at night. My hair would go into a bun unbrushed for days at a time. I cried in a drive-thru, and more frequently, at home. I let friendship fall by the wayside while I wallowed in my own nothingness.

All being said, I called my doctor. And I am still calling my doctor. Relapse is hard, perhaps even harder than the original feat itself. Having a taste of freedom and then being slammed back into the prison of your mind is miserable. Yet all the while, I am employing effort.

In order to properly heal, it is crucial to accept help as it comes and do everything with the goal of healing in mind. Roughing relapse is not easy, but I refuse to become my illness again. I encourage you to refuse the same.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via ivan101

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Major Depressive Disorder


How I Came out of the 'Winter' of My Depression

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.” — Albert Camus Last month marked the beginning of spring for those of us here in the northern hemisphere. It is a season of rebirth. It is a season that reminds us that there is life after death. We [...]
hand holing onto a door knocker

A Letter to My Uninvited Visitor, Depression

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. I don’t recall extending an invitation. If I did, it was unintentional. I don’t even know when he first arrived. I only recall realizing he was there on the [...]
woman watching storm clouds at sunset over ocean while standing on rock

How My Bipolar Disorder and Major Depression Are Like a Storm

Some people have nicknames for their depression. “Ball and chain,” “the blues,” and “rough days,” are a few I’ve heard. I know a few who have described it as if mental illness could be its own person. I sort of refer to my depression as a storm cloud. I’m diagnosed with both bipolar disorder and [...]
close up of mature man resting chin on hands in dark room

How My Depression Affects My Dating

Dating with depression can be a very challenging act. Not only do I have to deal with all the emotions that come to the fore when I meet an attractive woman and muster up the courage to finally ask her out, but I have to deal with an overly loud inner voice that tries every [...]