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When Depression Sucks You Back In

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Appointment after appointment, I read the words on my visit summary. “Major depression in full remission.”

Appointment after appointment, those words rang true. I felt significantly better. I was happy for the first time in years and life was like a movie. Birds chirped, colors shone with a magnificent vibrance and friendships blossomed.

That movie ended abruptly. I was under mild amounts of stress when the depression flooded back in, but at the time I thought I was handling it well. At the time, I didn’t even recognize the returning depression for what it was. To me, it was a bad day. Then, a string of bad days. Days turned to weeks before I saw my illness, back in full force for the first time in months, taking over.

A small part of me let it take over for a while. I fell back into patterns that pointed to depression. I slept as much as possible during the day and little at night. My hair would go into a bun unbrushed for days at a time. I cried in a drive-thru, and more frequently, at home. I let friendship fall by the wayside while I wallowed in my own nothingness.

All being said, I called my doctor. And I am still calling my doctor. Relapse is hard, perhaps even harder than the original feat itself. Having a taste of freedom and then being slammed back into the prison of your mind is miserable. Yet all the while, I am employing effort.

In order to properly heal, it is crucial to accept help as it comes and do everything with the goal of healing in mind. Roughing relapse is not easy, but I refuse to become my illness again. I encourage you to refuse the same.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.

Thinkstock photo via ivan101

Originally published: June 14, 2017
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