What I Remind Myself on Hard Days With Depression
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Today has been one of “those” days. One of those days that those of us with depression dread. I’ve spent the last 18 hours battling with my greatest demon. On days like this, it seems like it could go either way. It could beat me or I could win. Yet through all these days, I am still here.
On days like this, I struggle. I struggle with feeling wanted. I struggle with feeling loved. I struggle with not feeling completely hopeless. I struggle with suicidal thoughts and in the past, actions have landed me in the hospital. Bottom line? Days like this are a struggle.
Sitting here going through my head are thoughts like, Why? Can I keep doing this? What would happen if this was the end? Is this the only way to stop the pain?
This has been my life for longer now than I care to remember. But somehow I’m still here.
How? How am I still here?
By many accounts, I shouldn’t be. I’ve been on the verge of death. So close that the doctors told my parents they didn’t know if I would pull through. I’ve tried ending my life more times than I would ever care to acknowledge. And yet… I’m still here.
Looking back at the person I was before my depression — before the attempts on my own life — I see a person not as strong as the one writing this for you. Now, I see someone who is still here. Someone who has pulled himself out of the darkest places. Someone who got a tattoo after these attempts that reads, “My Story Isn’t Over ;” as a promise to himself that his story isn’t over.
Days like these can make even the strongest feel like this could be the end of their story. But what I have to say to you is this: You can get through this!I’m still here, and if you are reading this, I know you are still here. You are never alone. I am writing this specifically for you so you know I care. I care about you and love you. You are so strong. You wake up every day and continue to fight, and only the strongest people can do that. I know right now you may not feel strong. I know “strong” may be the farthest thing from what you feel, but I can see it. Those who have gone through what you are going through can not only see it, but they know you are strong and can keep going!
You can get through whatever you are going through.
Don’t give up. You’re still here. Have hope;
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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Unsplash photo via Ian Espinosa.