A Day in My Head as a Student With Schizophrenia
This morning I awoke clutching the words help me, but could not get it past my lips.
I wish the schizophrenia did not take over my brain on days like today. In the morning I searched my entire apartment for cameras and tracking devices (“bugs”) that have been haunting me since the day I turned 14. This is almost six years ago. This morning I tried to convince myself that the water was not poisoned so I could brush my teeth. I skipped breakfast because the food was definitely poisoned. I went to class, but not before it took me 15 minutes of a combination of breathing, coloring and repeating to myself, “I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful.” (Thank you, Bill Murray).
I go outside. My head is so far down I cannot see what’s in front of me. Sit down in class and talk to no one. I read because it’s the only thing I know that helps on days like today. I pay attention in class, but continue to scratch my hands because there is a bug placed between my fourth knuckles. I start to hear voices that tell me what I waste of space I am. How I should kill myself.
I run to my car so the FBI agents do not have time to catch me. I go home and immediately search my apartment, again. I do my homework, but take breaks to distract myself from these terrifying experiences. I go out at 5:00 p.m. to where it is pitch black. One hour of coping skills to reassure myself that there is no one there. I run to my car and to class. Barely paying attention in class for fear of what happens when I look up from my notebook. The day is over. I do not eat or shower due to the poison. Three hours of writing, coloring, dancing, reading, etc. There are days I try to keep them at bay, but they don’t seem to go away. I return to bed where I lay trapped in my own head. I shut my eyes and the world is black. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Thinkstock photo via brickrena