Fearing for My Future With Illness


Sometimes I’m afraid.

There. I said it. I admitted it.

Some nights, when I’ve been extremely sick for one day too long, to where my body and my mind feel like they can’t handle one more second of this, I become afraid.

 

Why? Because I’ve learned over the years that every time I thought pain or sickness couldn’t get any worse than this, I was wrong.

So very, very wrong.

It can always get worse. You can add additional diseases, additional medications, additional side effects.

I wonder, if I feel this bad now, how will I feel in 10 years? What levels of pain and illness am I still ignorant to? If it’s worse than this, how will I handle it when I can barely handle this? It’s torture, at times.

The biggest fear that haunts me on these nights, though, is the fear of whether I will still be here 10 years from now. I’ve had some very scary, potentially fatal moments in my life. I’ve been really sick. I’ve escaped death. But, how long will I be lucky for? Will I improve as the years go by or will I continue on this path and worsen until my body can take no more?

These thoughts are hard. I’m normally very positive and optimistic, but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have days like this. Hard times. Fears. So, on nights like tonight, I become afraid. I feel broken. Scared. In pain. Overwhelmed.

The worry is like a smoldering log. Always ready to burst into flames of fear when life gets too hot.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via prudkov.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Chronic Illness

Lion mother with cub

We Are Lion Moms. This Is Why We Roar.

“Lion Moms” are defined as mothers who have children with a chronic illness. This term is an appropriate spin-off from the term “Dragon Moms,” used to describe mothers who have children who are terminally ill. Whether the “roar” is delivered through a silent act or a loud cry, parents of chronically ill children may appropriately relate [...]
Female studying at desk.

12 Study Strategies for Chronically Ill Students

Like many people with chronic illnesses, I struggle with brain fog, which complicates my academics. It has been a lot of trial and error over the last five years, but I have managed to find all the strategies that ensure my academic success in both high school and college. Here are some of my most [...]
woman wrapped in a blanket and holding a mug of coffee

Finding the Good in Each Day With Chronic Illness

There is something good in every day. Is there? Is that even a possible concept for those of us who have chronic illness? The initial response from the chronic illness community might be a resounding “no.” if(typeof(jQuery)=="function"){(function($){$.fn.fitVids=function(){}})(jQuery)}; jwplayer('jwplayer_ij8VSRAN_F962XJnx_div').setup( {"playlist":"https:\/\/content.jwplatform.com\/feeds\/ij8VSRAN.json","ph":2} );   Pain, procedures, lack of sleep, lack of understanding, countless medical appointments and tests, chronic fatigue, [...]
woman holding up her shirt to reveal patches and monitors on her stomach

How Getting Two Bacterial Infections Abroad Changed My Life

Rewind two years and meet Kate – an adventurous, social and confident (maybe too confident) 20-year-old student and retail worker living in full health and happiness. For as long as I could remember I’d been bursting to leave my home in southeast Australia and learn everything I could about the world. Mid-2015 I packed my [...]