Sometimes I’m afraid.
There. I said it. I admitted it.
Some nights, when I’ve been extremely sick for one day too long, to where my body and my mind feel like they can’t handle one more second of this, I become afraid.
Why? Because I’ve learned over the years that every time I thought pain or sickness couldn’t get any worse than this, I was wrong.
So very, very wrong.
It can always get worse. You can add additional diseases, additional medications, additional side effects.
I wonder, if I feel this bad now, how will I feel in 10 years? What levels of pain and illness am I still ignorant to? If it’s worse than this, how will I handle it when I can barely handle this? It’s torture, at times.
The biggest fear that haunts me on these nights, though, is the fear of whether I will still be here 10 years from now. I’ve had some very scary, potentially fatal moments in my life. I’ve been really sick. I’ve escaped death. But, how long will I be lucky for? Will I improve as the years go by or will I continue on this path and worsen until my body can take no more?
These thoughts are hard. I’m normally very positive and optimistic, but I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have days like this. Hard times. Fears. So, on nights like tonight, I become afraid. I feel broken. Scared. In pain. Overwhelmed.
The worry is like a smoldering log. Always ready to burst into flames of fear when life gets too hot.
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Thinkstock photo via prudkov.
Lisa Prins is a binge hobbiest who is constantly throwing herself into many different projects. When she is not well enough to do one, she will find another. Music is her main love. She is a classically trained pianist, vocalist, songwriter, composer and ukulele player. She also enjoys writing, drawing, painting, crocheting, pixel bead art, photography, jewelry making, sewing, playing video games, robot building, and a number of other hobbies. Love, compassion, friendship and understanding are most important to her. They are what gives meaning to her life. Lisa was born with a congenital kidney disease called renal tubular acidosis. This combined with asthma, chronic infections, idiopathic angioedema and anaphylaxis have shaped her into a person who is thrilled to experience every bit of life and love, every sunset and every little joy that life has to offer. She lives with her incredible partner, who is, and has been, her love, her best friend, and, at times, her caregiver. She decided to start contributing her writing in the hopes she can help others know they aren’t alone, and help those who aren’t chronically ill better understand the people around them who are.
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