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Struggling With the Feeling of Not Wanting to Live After a Stroke


There is a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live. I understand the feeling of not wanting to live. But I am not ready to die. Life after a stroke is not easy for many reasons.

Firstly, because things just are not the same. Change of any type is difficult but imposed change without being given a guide, or rules, or a path feels overwhelming and impossible.

After a stroke we are different.

Most things entail far more work than they did “before.” And many do not have the emotional support they need. No one to nurture. No one to understand or even try.

It is quite often extremely lonely.

I have found ways to fill my time which do not rely upon other people. The feelings are still there but they are mainly (not always) quieter. My pets give unconditional love. They make me get up in the morning. They make me worry for them and not myself.

I write (which with aphasia has been challenging). I take photographs. I fight back because the stroke and the people who did not stand by me, or who pretend to believe they could possibly understand and know better, are not going to “win.”

Try to find something to care about – it will be a beginning. A beginning is always good.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via baquitania.