I Planned My Suicide Weeks in Advance


Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Last December I attempted to end my life. Everyone thought it was a spur of the moment decision. It wasn’t. It was planned for weeks before.

I had decided what my very last meal would be, where I would be, how I would do it and I knew why I wanted to leave. All I needed to decide was when. It didn’t go as planned, and for that I am grateful. If it had of gone as originally planned I am certain I would not be here today. My last meal was going to be pancakes, chocolate and nachos. I wanted to be at home. And I knew I didn’t want to be here for a single day of 2017.

I was so depressed last year, I was working in a place where I was bullied and made to feel worthless by some of my co-workers. I was angry at the world, I didn’t understand how come I had a mental illness and other people were fine. I was upset I had lost so much weight. I hated myself because I had self-harmed again.

Nobody knew I felt this way or what I had planned. I appeared happy. I would go to the gym every day and fake a laugh and smile. Sometimes the smiles were real, but rarely.

The gym is my happy place. I love the gym, the ladies there are amazing and treat me like a person, not an illness. I would go to work and I loved my job and some of my co-workers were amazing. Some of my co-workers treated me poorly, like I couldn’t do anything because I had health problems and like I didn’t have feelings. I tried talking about it and ended up feeling worse. After work I would go home, binge eat and cry myself to sleep.

I hated my body, I had lost half my body weight and was mortified about how wobbly my thighs were and I hated my arms. I was told every day how good I looked, but I never believed anyone. I am my own worst critic. I had been self-harming again. Not only did I feel like I had failed because of that, I knew the scars would be permanent and didn’t need to be reminded of my feelings.

I wanted to die. I just had to work out when. I was going to slip away at home and thinking about it made me so happy. I ended up attempting to end my life in my workplace, after a particularly bad moment. If it hadn’t been for my co-workers calling the ambulance for help, I would be dead. I am thankful to them for saving me. I wish I had never attempted to end my life but I’m so thankful it didn’t happen as I originally planned. I would not be here today if it had. I am so grateful for my life now. It’s not perfect, but it’s my life. I am so appreciative of all my imperfections now because they make me who I am.

I am self-harm free since that night.

I am a different person since that night.

I am heavier now, but I no longer let the scales define me. I feel happy, the number on the scales in no way defines how happy I should be.

I no longer let anyone make me feel worthless. If anyone makes me feel bad about being who I am, I make the decision to be kind to them, but not keep them as a friend.

I smile and laugh every day now, and there is a light in my eyes again.

I am more positive about things in my life.

I no longer go to the gym to lose weight, I go to the gym to feel happy and fit, to be strong and to feel confident.

I am more confident now than I have ever been.

I am thankful I am alive.

I always was told that life gets better, but I never believed it to be true. I was wrong. No matter what is happening to me, it will work out in the end.

No matter what is happening in your life, know you are loved and cared about. Know that you are amazing. You are strong and life is worth fighting for.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t be afraid to take some time for yourself, you are worth it.

It really will get better.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Thinkstock photo via MariyaLavchieva


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