Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
There have been many times in my life where I’ve been ready to die by suicide. Sometimes the world gets to be a little too loud for me. The walls seem to be closing in and it feels as though ending my life may be the only option. Here’s why I’m so glad I fought through those suicidal thoughts.
If I had ended my life all the times I wanted to, there are so many things I wouldn’t have gotten to experience. Like meeting my husband, whom I adore. Or meeting my dog, who I’ve found is my soulmate. Or meeting my best friend, who makes me laugh like no other. I would have missed out on my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary, which gives me hope love can last forever. Love. How important love is. Without it, what would we, as humans, have to live for? I would have missed out on the cool wind on my face on a beautiful fall day. I wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye to a dog that changed my life, when her life so suddenly ended. I wouldn’t have been hospitalized and realized I needed to change my way of life and my way of thinking. I would have missed so much.
Don’t get me wrong. There are still so many days, (too many days), where I wish my life would end. Sometimes it’s hard to see the point in continuing on. Paying bills, stressing about work, worrying about money. But then I hear a song I find so beautiful, it makes me cry. Or I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and listen to the birds singing their morning song. Or I see my husband smile, simply because he is seeing me after a long day at work. Or I watch my dog stick his head out the window in the car and I realize how little he has to care about. I think to myself: there’s no reason I can’t be as happy as he is with his head out the window and the wind in his face.
If I had ended my life all the times I wanted to, I wouldn’t be here right now I wouldn’t be able to share my story with other people who struggle with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc. I would be somewhere I’m not even sure exists.
What lies ahead is what keeps me going the most. Knowing that one day I will have a child, or knowing I get to grow old with my husband and some day meet our grandchildren. All the dogs I will get to own. All the beautiful sunsets I will get to see. But most importantly, seeing the person I will grow to be. Seeing the person who will fight tooth and nail to beat this mental illness. I am stronger than my suicidal thoughts. And I will continue to fight those feelings for, I’m sure, the rest of my life.
To anyone struggling, please think of all the things you will leave behind. Every beautiful day with perfect weather, every person you have yet to meet. The jobs you could have that may change your life, like mine has. I have met so many wonderful people I wouldn’t have met had I ended my life all the times I wanted to. There is hope. There is always hope. Please remember that.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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Photo by Jurica Koletić on Unsplash