Why I Thought Suicide Was the Only Answer
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
Or if you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.
World Suicide Prevention Day was on Sunday, September 10th.
Millions of people were shocked to hear of Robin Williams’, and more recently, Chester Bennington’s death by suicide. People who, on the surface, appeared to have it all.
So why do some people think suicide is the only way out? I cannot speak for everybody, but I can tell you why I felt like suicide was the only answer.
I was tortured by anorexia for a number of years. At my lowest, I remember feeling as if I was in the deepest, darkest well without any hint of light shining through. I felt trapped, alone and scared. Every time I tried to eat any more than my “safe’” allowance, the terror and guilt would build up inside me and lead me to binge. Afterwards, I’d use desperate measures to get rid of the food and I’d punish myself for allowing myself to lose control.
I’d sought help and been referred to an eating disorder specialist, but the waiting list was long. In the meantime, I called a counselor who specialized in eating disorders (ED), but was told that I was “too ill” for her to help me. All efforts to help myself resulted in being in a worse place, so it felt safer not to try. I’d made the decision to just continue with my “safe” allowance. I knew it could have disastrous consequences, but I didn’t know what else to do.
The torture of the voice in my head screaming at me that I was worthless, a failure, unlovable and not good enough drove me to contemplate suicide several times a day. I was a mum to two young girls at the time, so to a lot of people, this could’ve been seen as being selfish. But I despised myself at that time. I felt like such a burden to everyone, I felt like people would be much better off without me, and I genuinely thought I’d be doing them a favor if I wasn’t around.
Why did I feel so alone? I thought:
- I was a single mum. I had to do it all myself. I had to be perfect. And I should be strong and not weak.
- Others had their own issues and they wouldn’t want to be burdened by me.
- It was my problem, I needed to deal with it myself.
- There was no one that could help me.
- I couldn’t get out of the nightmare.
- Every time I’d tried to get out, I’d end up in a worse situation.
If you’re struggling with any issue, do not listen to that voice in your head that tells you you’re alone. You may be on a lengthy waiting list, but that’s not because you’re not ill enough, it’s due to a lack of resources. Reach out to online or phone helplines if you need to speak to someone right away. They may not be able to end your struggles immediately, but just having someone to talk with, who doesn’t judge and who understands, can make a difference.
Reach out to family and friends. Although I felt like a burden, I realize now they were desperate to help me and would’ve been devastated if I’d ended my life. Their lives, and my own life, would’ve completely change — but I didn’t see any of this at that time.
I also didn’t see what a special and unique person I was and how many great qualities I had. But I’d been rejected and hurt and was determined to protect myself against everyone. “Community,” nowadays, seems rather sparse, and I didn’t feel like I belonged. I also had huge expectations of myself that I would never demand of anyone else, but I felt I needed to save the world in order to justify my place on this earth. It seems unimaginable now, but that’s how I felt.
Feeling suicidal is a horrendous place to be, and although it was difficult to turn things around, I was introduced to EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) which transformed my life and how I felt about myself. I’m now happy, confident and free, which feels amazing and is somewhere I never thought I’d be. I found EFT so simple yet so powerful that I became an EFT practitioner and I now help other women with eating disorders, every step of the way, to change their mindset, quiet the ED voice in their head and deal with root cause of their ED.
So just for today:
- Know that you are loved and valued.
- Take each day one hour, one minute or one second at a time if that’s all you can manage.
- Try and fill your day with as many positive activities as possible.
- Be kind to yourself — treat yourself as you would your best friend.
- Reach out to someone — ask for help now.
- If one option for help isn’t available, don’t stop looking, keep searching.
- Getting help may seem scary, but not getting help can be even worse.
- You can feel better!
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “HOME” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
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