Dear Self, Read This When You're Feeling Suicidal
Editor’s note: If you live with an eating disorder, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741-741.
What are you up to today? Did you make it out of bed this morning? That’s OK, I know you’re just really tired.
I saw you crying yourself to sleep again last night. What was it this time, my darling? Are you pondering on those failing grades, your inability to pay this month’s rent, or the fact that these pills still aren’t working and you’re wondering if anything ever will.
Did you eat your one apple today skinny girl? Or did you slip up and binge on that leftover pizza again? Even if you did, it doesn’t matter anyway. Knowing you, it didn’t remain in your stomach that long. I could tell by the sounds of you purging it all up in the bathroom.
Perhaps if you hadn’t ruined your chances of getting into an Ivy League graduate school and hadn’t embarrassed yourself, your family and your entire academic department by choosing a life of partying instead of one of studying, you might still be worth more than your pretty face and big boobs.
Your roommates were up again talking about you last night. They were discussing different ways to try to lore you out of bed — to get you to go to class again. You know that they’re worried about you, so is your entire sorority, your family and your closet friends.
But the truth is, there’s someone else that’s even more worried about you — and that’s me.
I’m the girl who you never thought you could be.
I’m here to give you a wake-up call about this life that you abhor so much that you are so desperately scheming up ways to try and leave.
I’m here to tell you to stop immediately.
Right now, you may feel as though you have every reason to give up. But believe it or not, in a few short months you will be surprised to learn that in your new reality — you will actually have every reason to say.
It’s probably hard for you to believe anything that I am telling you right now. I get it, but I ask that you try your hardest to put your trust in me.
That person who you’ve been looking for to come and save you — to take you away from all of this pain and suffering — she is here for you now. She will always be there for you and will continue to fight for you.
If you’re ready to meet her than just follow this one simple step: look in the mirror.
There’s a plot-twist in this story of yours, my spectacularly unbroken girl. There will come a time when you will hit rock-bottom, but the strange thing is, it will in no way break you.
At the very moment when you decide that this life is no longer for you, life will swoop in and implore you that you are meant to experience each and every single second of it.
Still not falling for my bullshit?
What If I told you that in six months from now you will be an entirely different person?
That first batch of pills that you’re taking might never work, but I can assure you that you will find ones that will. They won’t make you feel like a zombie or a different person, but will simply lend you to feeling like yourself again.
You know that eating disorder that’s taken over your life? In a mere three months, it will be gone. You will need to work hard through weeks of intensive therapy to rid yourself of your disordered habits and self-critical thoughts.
But much like the valor that you’ve always had, you will do it and everyone will be amazed at the person you have become.
Best of all, the only place that the word suicide will have in your thoughts will be that of prevention. You will no longer feel any remote desire to end your life. Yet you will garner those past experiences and feelings that you once possessed and will use them to help others find the light — just like you did.
You will be fearless, proud, beautiful and intelligent. You will overcome obstacles that you once felt incapable of defeating. It will not be easy, but you will fight for this life every single day.
You have a future of happiness and freedom ahead of you. But for now, you must draw upon every ounce of energy and faith that is within you in order to remain strong.
For if you are not at first blinded by the darkness, you will be unable to see the light when it shines upon you in your most trying hour.
In spite of this, it is important that you are aware that in these months that lie ahead of you, there will be some things that will not change. You will still lie upon your tear-soaked pillow each night and awake with your own thoughts.
However, these thoughts will not be those of sadness and regret — they will, instead, be ones of sheer disbelief and pure joy. The story of your own survival and success, despite your unwavering battles with mental illnesses, will prove to be so overwhelming that it will often bring you to tears.
Keep your head up beautiful, it will all turn out OK.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Getty image via Srdjanns74