Why Fear of Abandonment Leads Me to Suicidality
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
How can you not understand what you do to me?
Are you really so blind every time you completely destroy me
Remember when all I wanted to do was run away from you
As you turned your back ignoring me, basically saying fuck you.
How would you feel if every second you wanted to die
And the only person you loved completely ignored you
I’ve been bad lately, with a rollercoaster of emotions
But nothing compares to the impulsivity that makes me want to end it.
I was cautious about letting you in because of our past
But I let you in despite my cautious heart
Now I feel stupid and worthless because you broke my trust
Not only that you broke my faith in us.
Why couldn’t you just be honest and tell me the truth?
Why crush me beyond an immeasurable bruise
Rip my heart out and stomp on it too
Why’d you even tell me you loved me
When you had no plans about ever being with me
I flew to a different country, I’d do anything for you
But you can’t even be honest and say sorry.
You’ve hurt me in more ways than I can count.
But your ego’s so big, you can’t even back down.
You don’t get to decide if you broke me,
Aren’t you supposed to be communicating properly?
Now all I’m going to do is say goodbye.
From this miserable life, you made me want to die.
I can’t fight anymore, not on my own.
I hope you find someone that becomes your home.
All I wanted was a life with you.
A chance to be happy, instead of blue.
It’s as simple as that. Not hard.
But I know now I deserve better than you.
Having borderline personality disorder (BPD) and fearing abandonment has led me to hold onto toxic relationships and abuse my whole life because I was so scared to be alone. I believed it when they made me feel worthless and that I wasn’t good enough. I believed everything was my fault, just like they told me it was.
Having BPD isn’t an excuse for why I react the way I do, but it is an explanation. No one deserves to be treated or made to feel the way I have my whole life. I’m not the person they made me believe I was, and neither are you. Having a mental illness doesn’t make me or anyone any less deserving of love or kindness.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, but in 2018 I’m finally letting go of all the people who belittle me or drag me down. I deserve better. I am better. And so are you.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.
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Getty Images photo via twinsterphoto