What I Wish for as a Person With Anxiety
I wish for that day…
I wish for the day when I wake up having slept all night, no nightmares involved — without the nightmares that make my anxiety wake me and I can’t fall asleep again. I wish for the day when I can go to bed, turn off the light, and sleep arrives without thinking about tomorrow, what happened today or what will happen next Wednesday.
I wish for the day when I wake up without anxiety — without that pressure in my chest that doesn’t let me breathe, even if the day hasn’t started yet.
I wish for the day I can go out without thinking a nearby group of girls is laughing at me.
I wish for the day I won’t keep things inside, fearing what people will think of me.
I wish for the day I stop wondering when my boyfriend will leave me, when he will get tired of me, when he will stop loving me, whether it will be my fault or not; if I will be enough for him, if I deserve him, whether I am making him happy or if I am doing it wrong.
I wish for the day I’m not afraid to defend myself when they attack me.
I wish for the day when I stop feeling guilty for everything that happens around me
I wish for the day I can trust myself and not remind myself every moment how useless and stupid I feel, or what little I am worth, or how insufficient I feel compared to the whole world. Insufficient daughter, insufficient friend, insufficient girlfriend, and so on.
I wish for the day I want to do things without thinking about how worthless I am — writing, reading, sports, learning new languages or improving others.
I wish for the day when I won’t depend on anyone. I wish for the day when I have enough self-esteem and self-love to move forward without having anyone by my side.
I wish for the day I don’t get anxious doing exams. I wish for the day when I don’t get anxious working. I wish for the day when I stop comparing myself to my school or workmates, physically and intellectually, because that makes me believe I am less than them.
I wish for the day when I won’t be afraid to be alone at home. Or to be literally alone. I wish for the day when I won’t be afraid of being forgotten and of being alone — that no one wants me because I’m not enough for anyone.
I wish for the day when I won’t be anxious about what will happen tomorrow or in a year. I wish someday I could wake up wanting to eat the world, wanting to live and do things without being anxious, fall in love and love without thinking about what will happen in X time or without being worried about his feelings for me.
I wish for the day I don’t compare myself with anyone and I can work without anxiety, doing and enjoying what I like.
I wish for the day when I stop feeling that pressure in my chest, that feeling of drowning, that desire of not wanting to eat, those headaches, that panic that produces in me so much agony; that panic turned into a constant voice in my head that tells me they will leave me again, that everything is a lie, that no one will support me, that I will remain alone, that I will never overcome my problem, that I can never be “normal.”
I hope the day comes when I can say I overcame an anxiety disorder.
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