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Yes, I'm Suicidal. And Yes, I'm Still Going to Kickboxing on Monday.


Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

There is a huge misconception out there that being suicidal means you’re always curled up in bed, plans are canceled because you’re going to do “it” any minute so why keep plans?

I know that when suicide is dominating my thoughts, when I’m considering methods and making plans, I’m still going to the grocery store, still buying cat food. And yeah, I’m going to go to kickboxing on Monday.

I’m sure there is a subset of people who feel debilitated when suicidal feelings come calling, but some of us are the “Walking Suicidal.” I know when I’m in this state, I’m constantly thinking of a way to leave, but I am also constantly looking for a reason to stay.

This kind of stigma can make it harder for people struggling to get help. I’ve had a doctor decide I wasn’t “really” suicidal because a family event was coming up and when he asked if I would go and I said “yes.”

This idea that you’re only really suicidal if you’re about to do it right now so nothing else exists, that hurts. It’s not always an ultimatum, an I’m going to do it right now type of thing, and when we ignore or invalidate those who are trying to hang on a little longer for not being “truly” suicidal, they fall through the cracks. And those people reach their breaking point and do it quietly. Those are the families who “had no idea” he was even sad. Because he went to kickboxing on Monday.

I wish there was an easy solution for this problem, but I think the “Walking Suicidal” should be talked about more. Help us feel like we can ask for help without being dismissed.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Unsplash photo via whereslugo