To the Person Who Woke Up Today Wishing They Hadn’t


To the person who woke up today wishing they hadn’t,

I wish I could say I haven’t been there, but I can’t. I wish I didn’t have a story to tell you, but I have one. It’s not a fun story — of course it’s not.

Two years ago I woke up after trying to end my life for the last time. I can vividly remember my disappointment to find that I was still breathing. I saw the veins in my wrist and deflated at the thought that there was still blood in them, heading back to my heart to pick up oxygen and keep me alive. I felt like a failure.

I’m here to tell you, if that really does make me a failure, I have never been more happy to have failed.

Two years after I woke up on the bathroom floor, the story has flipped.

Then, I wanted with all that was left of me to go to sleep and not wake up. Today, with all the power I’ve found to rebuild myself, I wish I hadn’t gone to sleep to begin with. But I am so grateful that I woke up.

Going to sleep. Waking up. Euphemisms. No matter how proud I become of my journey, I can’t deny how difficult it is to talk about suicide. I still trip over the word when I go to say it out loud. Nevertheless, please don’t sit alone with the reality of what you’ve tried to do. I didn’t tell anyone for over a year. There is no heavier weight to carry than the knowledge that you tried to end your life; in my case, three times. I won’t tell you not to be ashamed because I certainly was. It’s not easy, but cast your shame aside for just long enough to find help, because you deserve better than guilt. Don’t stay silent. Please find someone. Anyone willing to listen.

I can’t tell you why you should stay. I can’t show you, either. I can only beg you to trust me, to hang on, because I see the other side. I know you can’t see it. You might not see yourself in the future. I didn’t think I’d live to see today two years ago. Right now I’m studying abroad for four months, on the adventure of a lifetime, and reflecting on how it could never have happened if I hadn’t woken up.

I woke up and I am so glad you did too.

You might not be able to see it for yourself right now, but I know there is another side. Wrestling with your mind and your world is exhausting, but I know that someday, you’ll pin your opponent to the mat and finally see victory. It will come. That day came for me and it will come for you.

Just keep yourself breathing. However you keep yourself alive, as long as it isn’t destructive, is valid. Whether you’re in bed all day and unable to move or wandering all night to keep yourself away from your thoughts, you’re fighting it. Keep fighting it, whatever it may be in your case. You can do it because you deserve the future I know is out there. I love you, but more importantly, I want you to see the day when you feel lucky for waking up.

With so much love,

AK

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Getty image via OcusFocus


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Suicide

Portrait of young girl covering her mouth.

Playing 'Mute/Unmute' With My Suicidal Thoughts

The monster in my brain has found his voice, again. He’s trying to take over my mind and heart, again. I tried to hide from him for the last 34 hours deep inside my warm, cozy bed, because I can’t seem to hear him in there. But even after shutting him out for more than [...]

Why Reporting Someone Who's Suicidal on Twitter Might Do More Harm Than Good

Social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook and Twitter feature tools to help users report content that breaks their community guidelines with the goal of keeping these spaces safe from hate speech and threats. But, users can use these same features when someone they follow expresses thoughts of suicide or self-harm. In a viral thread, one [...]
worried woman lying on bed thinking

What Happened When My Passive Suicidal Thoughts Became Active Plans

This is a very hard subject for me to talk about. It takes me back to some very dark days that, to be honest, I would rather forget. At numerous times in my life, I have experienced suicidal thoughts and although these thoughts were very real, it wasn’t until about five years ago that I [...]
two women hugging in park in s

When Depression Makes You Question If Life Is Worth Living, Read This

Nights are the worst for many people with depression. Too much time to think, too much time alone and too much darkness. Most of my friends know this, but it’s hard when they’re not awake or if I know they’re doing something else, I don’t want to bother them. Yet, sometimes I have to. Sometimes, [...]