My Toxic Relationship With Fibromyalgia

What do you do when the longest relationship you’ve ever had begins to become painful and destructive? This is a rhetorical question to myself, because I already know that I don’t have the answer. I have thought about it a lot, especially recently, but can’t seem to reach any meaningful conclusions. I have a lot more questions though.

How can you be OK with continually hurting the one person who knows you best of all and who has been with you for the longest time?

Where does all of this pain come from that you insist upon inflicting on others every day?

Why do you ruin my plans and make every little thing so difficult? Does everything have to be such a fight?

What makes it OK for you to try and punish me every time I do something you don’t like? Do you hate me so much that you want to hurt me for wanting to have a life of my own and to make my own decisions?

How is it fair that you dictate what I can wear, what I can say and where I can go? Do I not deserve the same independence as everyone else we know?

Have I not taken care of you and tried my best to do what’s right by you for all these years?

Are you going to continue to be mad at me forever? Will I be subjected to your brutal treatment for the rest of my life?

Am I supposed to overlook the awful things you do to me just because you are not all bad? Yes, you have taught me things and given me opportunities that I appreciate, but must I repay this by letting you trample over me and my self-confidence forever?

Don’t you know me at all? I don’t deserve this and I won’t just lie down and take it forever. I will fight you. I will not let you win. I will never give up.

So, we’ll work through this together because it’s what we both want. I understand that you don’t intend to cause me harm, you’re sick and that’s why this is happening. I forgive you and I still love you. Even though you’re cruel and unwavering in your harsh and heartless treatment of me.

Because despite all of it, you are my body and you are my fibromyalgia. We can make it as long as we want to, and as long as we keep trying. If we work together, we can even achieve wonderful things and be happy.

Getty Image by KatarzynaBialasiewicz

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