My Anxiety Tells Me Everyone Will Eventually Leave Me

Today I got in the car after a horrendous day and all I could do was cry. My best friend is giving me the silent treatment and my softball coach won’t play me. Minor things, I know, but in my head, it all felt like too much.

It felt like the whole world was crumbling down around me and I was stuck in the midst of the rubble.

One of my best friends. The sport I want more than anything to be good at. It all felt like it was being ripped away from me. It felt like everything had been ruined with one day.

Now, here’s the thing — I try as much as humanly possible to deal with this stuff on my own. I try not to be that girl who cries all the time. There are just days when anxiety becomes too much for me to handle. Today was one of those days.

Sometimes the constant stress and fear that everyone will eventually leave becomes my identity. I’m no longer Vicky. In my mind, I am destined to be left again. In an ironically twisted series of events I end up pulling away from those I feel are mad/sad/annoyed. Naturally, I assume it’s my fault. I spend all day racking my brain. What did you do this time? Seriously, again…? Can you just not make people stay?

Anxiety makes everything that goes wrong my fault. Every time someone is in a bad mood, I feel responsible. Every time I see a friend get mad, I assume it’s at me. Every time I have an off day, I believe it’s the beginning of a downward spiral.

I’ve been here before, and yet I seem to make the same wrong decision every time. You see, this happens to me a lot. It’s actually the main way I feel my anxiety on a day-to-day basis. Every time I pull away and end up doing something that makes no sense — that is, after a good cry.

I analyze. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve been trained to do by the monster that is anxiety. As you could imagine that causes a great deal of heartache. A look, to me, is not just a look. A huff, to me, is not just a huff.

So what do I do? I’ve been in this exact situation more times than I can count, and it just keeps happening. Maybe this time will be different. Probably not.

Unsplash photo via Vangelis Evangeliou

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Anxiety

couple kissing

Your Anxiety Won’t Ruin Your Relationship With the Right Person

This piece was written by Holly Riordan, a Thought Catalog contributor Your anxiety will chase away the wrong person. When you ask for reassurance that they care about you, they may get annoyed because you should already know how they feel, they shouldn’t have to repeat themselves every five seconds. When you get quiet for seemingly no [...]

To Anyone Who's Struggling to Understand Their Loved One's Anxiety

You may have stumbled here because you love someone who struggles with mental illness. You want to help and understand, but you might not know how. Part of the problem is that the person struggling might not be able to explain their thoughts, feelings, etc. to you because they don’t know how to express it [...]
Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Reynolds Says He Knows What It's Like on the 'Darker End' of the Anxiety Spectrum

Just about anyone with anxiety can tell you some days are easier than others. There are days when the worries aren’t as loud — and then there are days that are the polar opposite. On bad days, it can feel like your anxiety is all-consuming, and it’s easy to slip from feeling like you’re in [...]
Brandon Brooks for the Philadelphia Eagles

Brandon Brooks of the Philadelphia Eagles Uses the 'Law of Averages' to Cope With His Anxiety

Anxiety can present in a lot of ways, and for many people, that includes physical manifestations. You’ve probably heard people talk about symptoms like feeling as though your heart is racing or you can’t breathe. But there are other physical symptoms that are less commonly talked about — like throwing up when you’re anxious. Philadelphia Eagles [...]