To Anyone Feeling All Alone in Their Struggle With Mental Illness
I’m sure you’ve all heard the song, “Praying,” by Kesha on the radio many times by now. It was inspired by her lowest moments in her professional and personal life during which she dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts.
It’s very difficult to get others to understand what we hear from our own minds and the images we are fed from our mental illnesses. The vast majority of my images and thoughts are negative.
You’re able to see her journey throughout the song with her lyrics and the imagery in the video. What you will miss just listening to it on the radio is her intro dialogue. You can hear it here.
This dialogue is the hardest to hear and resonates so deeply within me it hurts. Why? It’s something that I’ve struggled with all my life, daily. Feeling lost, empty, lonely, unworthy of love by everyone just to name a few. If you’re able to get through those dark thoughts, you are faced with others like shame and guilt. Deep down, you know there is a better version of yourself but it has fallen into a dark chasm with in you. The chasm devours all emotion, color and truths, but feeds racing and destructive thoughts, noise and darkness. I’ve clawed, crawled and begged trying to pierce the thick gray fog and evict the demon that resides in my head. Knowing that’s often impossible, now I try to get the tenant to mumble instead of roar. The lies it tells are numerous and endless. This deep pit also is a great source of strength I’ve built up over all the years of battling my demon and negative thoughts. It’s easier than it used to be, but the pain is permanent.
Progress for myself is very slow. It’s difficult to trust and believe anyone. Inside I feel loneliness and the feeling that I don’t belong. Some of my first memories as a child are an overwhelming feeling that I’m alone.
My faith in God and people wavers immensely at times and is a constant uphill battle, but I still climb. My strength comes from all the battles I’ve won on my own and will continue to win. Many were lost at the start when I was young but now is my arsenal of weapons and a thicker skin for combat.
To all the other warriors who learn from the victories and the defeats, build up that hardened skin, I see you. The onslaught may continue, but you’ll be experienced to fight wiser and stronger than ever before. Take that wisdom and keep trying to move forward. If you have to rest and maintain, that’s OK. Whether it comes from the inside or from people around you don’t ever give up, you got this.
Unsplash photo via Fernando @cferdo