11 'Habits' of People Living With Complex PTSD
Complex post-traumatic stress disorder, or C-PTSD, is the result of prolonged exposure to trauma. Whereas PTSD reflects a disorder that derives from a short-lived traumatic experience like a car accident or sexual assault, C-PTSD stems from instances of ongoing chronic trauma like domestic violence, being held in captivity or ongoing childhood physical/sexual abuse.
Imagine feeling in control of your body but out of control when it comes to your mind. You might feel like your home is your safe place and isolate yourself because you feel like you canāt trust anyone else. You might feel a sense of hopelessness and a loss of faith in the future, as well as humanity. Nightmares might haunt your dreams and flashbacks of repressed memories might darken your waking life. Anxiety and panic attacks may plague your existence. You feel trapped in a cycle chronic trauma helped create and internalize these āhabitsā as aspects of your nature that arenāt ānormal.ā Some days living with complex PTSD might not feel like life at all to you. However, itās important to remind ourselves there is hope and you arenāt alone.
We asked members of The Mightyās PTSD community to fill us in on some of the āhabitsā of people living with complex PTSD. This is what they told us:
1. Having Chronic Nightmares and Flashbacks
āI never feel rested. I have chronic nightmares, so my body is always on alert, even when Iām sleeping. I have a very hard time trusting anyone enough to relate these things to. Even people I care about, because I donāt trust that they will blame what happened to me instead of blaming me like itās somehow all my fault⦠like something is wrong with me.ā ā Wendy M.
āI have woken up with nightmares or flashbacks, or āwhat if situations,ā and gone into full anxiety. I have a hypoallergenic teddy bear to help with nighttime terrors, and some people make fun of me for this because āadults shouldnāt have teddy bears.ā During the day I have my Mickey Mouse squishy, which helps ground me. But I recently lost it, so Iām not coping so well right now.ā ā Zafreen J.
āEmotional flashbacks, when I react to something in the present like itās one of the many traumas I went through in the past⦠Disturbing nightmares, theyāre not always about the past traumas Iāve gone through though. But the nightmares always wake me up in a state of anxiety, making me never feel rested. Iām always completely exhausted.ā ā Samantha D.
2. Distrusting Others
āI donāt trust anyone. It takes multiple visits with doctors, etc. before I feel semi-comfortable. People donāt know the inner battle I face daily. They donāt know about the flashbacks that make me feel like a victim all over again or the nightmares that follow me after I wake up. My family knows I need at least a weekās notice before they show up so I can clean and prepare myself mentally and emotionallyā¦ā ā Tamasvi G.
3. Isolating From Others
āMy house is my own personal safe haven. I never leave my house, not because I donāt want to, but because ācomplex PTSDā comes with friends like āagoraphobiaā and āpanic disorder.āā ā Melissa C.
āMy world has become so small. There [are] so many things I just donāt do anymore. Any kind of change is traumatizing. Even little things. Itās literally upsetting for me to have to change my clothes even. Hygiene has plummeted and is now another source of shame. The fear of being seen by anyone. Iām hiding out in my apartment, afraid to come out. I live in a fog of dissociation where time doesnāt make sense. Iām convinced my brain has deteriorated. I cannot think anymore. Iām scared all the time. Complex PTSD affects every aspect of my life. Iām not even sure I would call this living anymore.ā ā Heather C.
āMentally/emotionally withdrawing when something feels the slightest bit unsafe, even if isolation isnāt at all what I need or want. The need to keep moving and protect myself at any cost even if it also makes me sad.ā ā Violet R.
āAll of a sudden just walking away from people without explaining why or whatās wrong. I isolate myself more often when stressed and ignore text messages and phone calls.ā ā Krystian H.
4. Getting Startled Easily
āStartle response is a big one. People donāt understand when you jump every time someone touches you or whenever thereās an unexpected noise or person walking by⦠I think people just donāt realize how stressful it is to have to constantly be processing so much all at once while still trying to interact with others.ā ā Char B.
āI jump at the drop of a hat. Literally. The slightest sudden unexpected sound makes me jump, or flinch at the very least. The louder the sound, the bigger my reaction is to it.ā ā Jamie S.
āI sometimes get really angry when something in my peripheral vision makes me jump, followed by an overwhelming sadness. A few times I have jumped and reacted loudly and itās scared my poor dog; I sat for so long apologizing to him. But itās also why I canāt handle being around my very young nephew sometimes as Iām worried Iāll scare him by getting scared by him.ā ā Callum C.
5. Hypervigilance
āNot being able to relax. Hypervigilance makes me never get restful sleep and never be able to relax my muscles. Theyāre always tense. My jaw, back, shoulders, knees⦠feet if Iām really triggered. My entire legs will lock up and Iām frozen in myself.ā ā Tyler J.
āHypervigilance and startle response are big issues for me. Iām constantly scanning to make sure everythingās safe. I canāt sit with my back to a door, and if I do, itās on my mind that there could be danger. Loud noises startle me easily. I hate the Fourth of July. People laugh when I jump, they think itās funny. Last year, it was so bad I came home, turned the music as high as I could, and just started screaming and sobbing. I couldnāt handle it.ā ā Kate G.
āI tighten my muscles and hold my body in strange ways so that I am always ready for what may happen next. Being constantly ready for danger to come at me gets painful when I hold a strange pose for too long. I donāt realize Iāve crooked my back until it starts hurting and I release the muscles only to find something else hurting instead.ā ā Andee J.
6. Hypersensitivity
āHypersensitivity to sounds. Sometimes I snap at my boyfriendās 4-year-old because to me itās like heās screaming in my ear when really heās just talking to himself as heās playing. Everything seems so loud all the timeā¦ā ā Samantha D.
āGetting upset at sensory stuff. I literally just got in an argument because after I stated my boundaries, they basically invalidated them and turned the music up that I asked [them] nicely to change. Then Iām the bad guy. I donāt want to have sensory problems. I hate it.ā ā Amanda C.
ā[Iām] hypersensitive to loud noises, especially sudden, unexpected ones.ā ā Maya M.
āBlaring music in my headphones to block out triggers around me.ā ā John K.
7. Dissociating
āI can be in the middle of a conversation and if a trigger word or situation happens, I disassociate. I am present in the moment but have no memory of what happened or what was said. My mind literally shuts down and I āzone [out].āā ā Janell R.
āDissociating. A lot of the times even my closest friends wonāt know when Iām on autopilot, I have lots of years of practice. But since Iāve started therapy, I can easily recognize it in myself. Itās why I donāt drive much.ā ā Rebekah S.
8. Having a Hard Time Communicating
āPeople donāt realize I have a difficult time coming up with the right word(s) for things (like, I canāt remember itās called a āpencilā) when Iām panicking, and they laugh it off.ā ā Angi H.
āI donāt mean to be āsensitiveā to certain words but you donāt know when those words mean to me [or] how I was taught to interpret them. How every instance of me coming across as āselfishā or āignorantā was me distancing myself. Being unable to explain what Iāve been through because I know you wonāt understand. Being misunderstood and not able to explain yourself because it hurts to talk about⦠Everyone just thinks youāre a poor communicator, when in reality youāre struggling and no one sees a thing.ā ā Tyler J.
9. Feeling Anxious
āFeeling anxious all the time, sometimes for no apparent reason, to the extent of friends or family asking me why Iām rocking back and forth as I do something as simple as watching TVā¦ā ā Samantha D.
āLoud places and things. I canāt handle it. [I] have to leave or get away. People fussing or arguing, I have to do the same [because it] puts me into severe anxiety.ā ā Chris M.
āPeople donāt know the anxiety I face just going out my front door to get the mail or the terror of trying to shop for groceries. Even anxiety meds arenāt working anymore and doctorsā visits are expensive. People just donāt know or understand unless they are going through it.ā ā Tamasvi G.
10. Having Trouble Feeling or Expressing Emotions
āI have a hard time saying āI love youā or being loving. Itās hard because I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes it almost feels like Iām going to vomit when I say āI love you.ā This is true even though I love the person. Itās hard because sometimes people think I donāt care about them, but I truly do. Love and closeness just feels uncomfortable.ā ā Michelle L.
āIt takes me from an hour to a couple of days to feel emotions if you tell me something sad or shocking or horrible. It makes me seem heartless even though I will cry and feel all the feelings about it later.ā ā Katie H.
āOversharing/undersharing because my boundaries are messed up⦠Always being late because I freak out over social interactions and have to talk myself into going⦠Never wanting to stay anywhere that isnāt my own bed because at 37, I still get homesick away from my own home.ā ā Peta J.
11. Doubting Yourself
āI have zero self-esteem. After being told all your life how awful you are, you believe it. Itās been a huge journey to not loathe my own existence.ā ā Jordan P.
āNeeding constant reassurance because, after years of gaslighting, itās hard for me to trust my perception of things. I am constantly second-guessing myself. Iāve also had rather important relationships ruined because instead of freeze or flight, I have gone into fight after being triggered. Panic attacks and flashbacks donāt always look like fear or crying, sometimes they look like irritation and aggression.ā ā Lazarie E.
When living with a chronic disorder or illness, itās normal to feel isolated in your experience and as if people donāt understand the habits your mental health issues manifests as. Whether youāre someone with C-PTSD who experiences hypervigilance, a sensitivity to noise and responses, anxiety, nightmares or a combination of them all ā you arenāt alone in your experiences.
Here are some additional resources to help you navigate these feelings: