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When You're Conflicted If You're the Victim or the One to Blame for Sexual Assault


Editor's Note

If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or assault, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

I can still feel his hot breath on my skin and his hands all over my body. I can still hear the sound of him slapping me, echoing inside of my head.

I still remember where he lives and I wonder what would happen if I went to his house and knocked on his door. Would he answer? If he did, would he even remember me? Or was I just one of many girls he assaulted?

I want to be “normal.” I don’t want these memories. If time heals all wounds, how much time will it take to heal me? It’s been three years. There’s a part of me that thinks I am unworthy of healing. Because, it wasn’t as bad as what could have happened, or what has happened to other people. There are so many real victims out there. Certainly, I have not experienced the same level of trauma.

That part of me is saying to get over it already. That it wasn’t a big deal. That I wanted it. But the bigger part of me is saying the opposite.

am a real victim.

do deserve healing.

It was a big deal.

didn’t want it.

So I’m conflicted. I’m embarrassed. I can never tell anyone the real truth, the whole truth. I just want to forget. I want to get to a point where I can forget the sensation of him kissing me. Where I forget his face and what he looks like and where he lives. Where I can forget him.

Because what he did to me was sick. It was twisted and sadistic and no “normal” person should ever do that.

I am a victim.

It’s hard for me to admit and I would never tell anyone I know in person. I’m too ashamed. I’ve gone through these years blaming myself for what happened. Because truthfully, I believe I put myself in the situation. I made the mistake.

But maybe it’s not completely my fault. Because truthfully, he chose to do what he did. What he did was illegal and wrong and I have to live with that knowledge. I’m paying the price. But I’ve realized I am not completely at fault. This whole time, I’ve been blaming myself alone for what happened. When really, he was the assailant. Maybe one day, I can move on. But for now, this is what defines me. I am the victim.

Getty Images photo via fizkes