To the People on the Other Side of My ‘Bipolar Rage’

To start, I know how hard it can be to stick around during rage episodes. For that, I really am sorry.

I know I get irrationally angry and I act out towards people who don’t deserve it. That’s something I continue to work on every day — I’m just not there yet. But it means the world to me that you’re sticking by my side while I continue my process of self-growth.

I also want to say I’m sorry. Despite my years of trying, I still can’t figure out how to put the experience of bipolar rage into words. All I can really tell you is that it’s all-encompassing and I can feel it from head to toe. I can realize I’m exploding at the most minute things. Yet, it’s still not nearly as bad as the things I want to do. Because believe it or not, those explosions are me holding myself back. That boiling rage makes me want to do so much worse — as hard as that is to admit.

However, to give you the slightest idea of the degree of anger I’m talking about during rage episodes, I often wish I could open myself up and crawl out of my own body. Not in a self-injurious way, but rather to escape how excruciating that anger feels.

I promise you’re not the only one suffering during that time. In fact, the rage is so intense, it physically hurts my body. I know that probably doesn’t make sense to you, but it truly does. It hurts.

“How can anger physically hurt?” you might ask. “How can someone be so angry they want to escape their own body?”

I don’t know. I just know that’s how it is.

All I know is that it’s really hard because I know unstoppable rage makes me lose my self-control sometimes. I know it causes me to become someone I don’t want to be — someone I’ve worked hard to grow out of over the years. Yet, that immense anger is so excruciating that I need it to come out somehow. Unfortunately for both of us, that often means having unwanted outbursts.

And I’m really sorry for not having a better explanation for you because it must make supporting me during those times even more difficult. Being on the other end of an irrational rage sounds horrible, so I can’t express how sorry I am for putting you through it.

Just know I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to have rage episodes. I don’t want to be explosive and damage our relationship — it just happens. No matter how hard I try, hurtful words still always seem to spill out. And I hope you know how deeply I regret it every time they do.

I hope you also know I’m sorry you need to be in the middle of that rage every time. I’m sorry you need to be impacted when my mental illness is nowhere close to being your fault. And I hope my good times make sticking around through the bad times worth it because I really am trying to better control myself when rage episodes come on. It’s just an ongoing effort. I’m so grateful you stick around despite it.

So thank you. Thank you for being selfless enough to love me through my imperfections while being selfish enough to draw boundaries when my rage becomes too much for you. Thank you for finding a way to take care of me while still taking care of yourself too. And thank you for supporting me, even when it’s sometimes the hardest part of your day.

I’ll always appreciate it more than you know.

Much love,

The One Who Experiences Bipolar Rage