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Be Brave Enough to Be Yourself

So, peeps, I (58f) am approaching my first anniversary of finding out that I have Complex PTSD from layers and layers of a lifetime of trauma that contributed to my thinking I have a problem with apathy. It turns out that I have just been hiding in My Nest playing mindless games on my iPad because my subconscious came to the conclusion that the world is not a safe place for me and my sensitivities. That is what trauma will do to a person. And my subconscious is not wrong. But what should I do about it, give up?

Never. My therapist told me to experiment with feeling angry this week. I have had a lifetime of not allowing myself to feel angry because my traumas, the continuous evidence that my family did not value me, had me believing that I did not deserve to feel angry. My expression of anxiety has been hypo-arousal most of my life. I just shut down and avoid. That certainly LOOKS like apathy.

I was telling my therapist that my trauma recovery is taking too long. I want to feel whole and jump out of bed in the morning energized and psyched for my day. EMDR therapy has freed me from almost all of my triggers. I can now experience my trauma memories without freaking out or crashing, but there is a lot of lingering sadness and disappointment about what I experienced. And part of me just feels empty much of the time. Maybe I don’t remember how not to dissociate as a coping strategy. My therapist said something amazing. “It’s not your fault. None of it. Your struggles are real because of all of the trauma you experienced, all of the pain and fear. You never really expressed the anger you deserve to feel about your emotionally neglected childhood, your church trauma, your medical trauma, your employment trauma, your relationship trauma and all of the times you were treated unfairly. Maybe what you seek is on the other side of all of that anger.”

I think she is right! I am going to drive somewhere remote today and yell my head off and stomp my feet. It sounds silly, but I am going to try to express my anger to start the work to get past it. I have the rest of my life to live! Never give up on yourself. Find you and be fully you, whatever it takes. Find your peace. You deserve it. 🌟☀️🌻💛

#apathy #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Fibromyalgia #Depression #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #EatingDisorders #Selfcare

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So, in group yesterday the topic was self-compassion.
I had no idea I had such a troubled relationship with self-compassion.
But I really do.
Two things hit me hard.
1. I don't like to relinquish the sense of control it gives me to be hard on myself. Pushing myself, I know. Punishing myself, I know. Being kind to myself? I don't know how that goes. And I came to realization that I fear it "won't work". That it won't enable me to get through the day. Then my therapist told me that it's simply another way to get through the day. And that made sense to me. I can work on that.
2. I feel like I don't deserve self-compassion....
There, I said it.
And: Ouch!
That one hit me like a ton of bricks.
But for me knowledge is power.
Now I know I have this hurtle.
This makes it possible for me to work with it, to heal it.
(Picture from Pinterest)

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I was raised by a very critical mother, and grandmother. Not towards me, to other family members, I don’t like this one or that one, cousins and people. I remember being told thank God you don’t have Murray legs. Like that was somehow important. So, I never had a relationship with my cousins until late in life.. I saw everything through my mothers eyes. So many people when I was a kid, she would get mad at and I wouldn’t see them again. A big hole, even if she didn’t criticize me. Heck I was the golden child , it was everyone else. Still having issues, planning things like birthday parties for my kids, I never knew what was gonna happen…on the flip side, I knew what not to do to my kids

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The Pain Within #ChronicPain #Endometriosis #MentalHealth #ChronicFatigue #BackPain

Living with endometriosis feels like being trapped in a storm of agony, where each day is a struggle to stay afloat amidst crashing waves of pain. It is like a relentless drumbeat, pounding away at my body, leaving me battered and bruised, both physically and emotionally.

Imagine your worst cramps multiplied tenfold, tearing through your abdomen like fiery tendrils of torment. It’s like a grip tightening around your insides, squeezing the air from your lungs with every breath. The pain is so intense that it feels like your entire body is on fire, with no relief in sight.

The pain of endometriosis is like nothing else. It is like having a monster inside you, tearing you apart from the inside out. For three weeks every month, it takes over my body, leaving me with just a few days to feel like myself again.

The pain starts in my abdomen and spreads to my stomach ,back, buttocks, and legs. It feels like my nerves are being attacked. Painkillers don’t help much, so I try hot packs and oils, but it’s still overwhelming. Sometimes, it is so bad that I can’t even find the words to describe it. It is like my body is betraying me.

The pain shoots down to my bottom, making everything hurt. I hide away in my room, trying to escape from it all. I feel hopeless and alone, wishing someone could understand what I’m going through. Even when I finally manage to sleep, the pain wakes me up again and again.

Endometriosis pain isn’t just a dull ache; it is more like intense, spasmodic cramps that feel like waves crashing over me. These spasms grip my muscles with such force that it’s hard to even catch my breath at times.

The pain isn't just superficial; it feels like it is deep within my body, involving my nerves and causing sharp, shooting sensations. This nerve pain amplifies the overall discomfort, making it even harder to bear.

One of the most distressing aspects of endometriosis is the rectal pain. It feels like a sharp, stabbing sensation that shoots from my ovaries to my rectal area, almost like a relentless assault on my entire pelvic region.

The pain doesn’t adhere to a schedule; it can strike at any moment, often catching me off guard. This unpredictability adds an extra layer of anxiety and makes it challenging to plan or enjoy activities without the constant fear of pain. The pain dictates my life, dictating what I can and can’t do on any given day. It disrupts my sleep, my work, and my relationships, making it difficult to maintain a sense of normalcy.

But it is not just the physical pain that weighs heavy; it’s the constant fear and uncertainty that comes with it. It is the dread of knowing that no matter what you do, the pain will always come back, lurking just around the corner, ready to pounce when you least expect it.

And then there is the emotional toll – the frustration, the anger, the despair of feeling like your body has betrayed you. It is the feeling of helplessness as you watch your life slip away, consumed by this invisible enemy that no one else seems to understand.

But amidst the darkness, there is a glimmer of hope – the unwavering strength of the human spirit. It is the resilience to keep fighting, to keep pushing forward, even when every fiber of your being screams to give up. It is the small moments of relief, the fleeting respites from the pain, that remind you that you are stronger than this, that you won’t let it break you.

So, yes, living with endometriosis is like navigating a minefield of pain and uncertainty. But it is also a testament to the power of the human spirit – the resilience to endure, the courage to persevere, and the hope for brighter days ahead.

I know I am not alone. I belong to the group of women facing excruciating and ongoing pain. I think all endo warriors will agree with me on the fact that we are not getting the support we need from society or the government because our condition isn’t visible. We want to shout out that endometriosis is making our lives worse. It is like we are invisible, disabled, and left feeling helpless and hopeless, just waiting for things to change so we can juggle our health and careers. May this description serve as a shedding light on the often misunderstood and excruciating reality of endometriosis pain.
#ChronicPain #Endometriosis #ChronicFatigue #BackPain #Disability

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How can I leave my family, or find a “purpose”?

I’m sorry in advance if this post is triggering, or otherwise not allowed.

Let me cut to the point: I believe that I no longer serve a role or a purpose in the daily life I am living. My husband and teenage children have no real use/need for me anymore. They just avoid me, until they want or need something that I can provide. I cannot manage to make/sustain connections with others (immediate or extended family, friends/acquaintances; old or new), and am exceedingly lonely. (I cry every day - which is probably good, since it proves to me that I can feel.) Even the cat, who used to favor my company, has completely gone off me. I am very unfulfilled in my life, and I really don’t see the point in living anymore.

I’ve finally weaned off my antidepressant (psychiatrist knows this and has prescribed a different SSRI which I have not yet started), which did absolutely nothing for me except to “blunt” me. I spent YEARS feeling nothing and watching life go on around me, as if watching a movie. Now I can feel- and it’s anger and resentment for lost and wasted time; for the rejection I feel, among many, many other things. I do have a therapist-good as far as therapists go - who tells me I need to do self-care. I reminded them that I can’t even bring myself to bathe, let alone go on a mini-vacation, spa, retreat etc. That’s a big issue for me as well - I see that I’m deserving of attention as long as I’m paying someone for it.

Intellectually, I know how to begin the “leaving” process…as I’ve told my husband, if I knew where to go, I’d already be long gone. (The dynamics of our relationship are a big part of the problem - though I refuse to blame him or anyone else for what I am going through.) Problem is, I don’t know how or where to go, or if I even want to start all over. I do know that I cannot continue life the way it is and has been for a long time. I almost wish to die in my sleep - that’s all I do anymore is sleep, as I have no energy for anything else- so that I don’t have to make decisions and live in pain anymore.

If you have insights/perspectives to share, I’d appreciate them. But really, I needed to drop this “bomb” somewhere…I have no outlet otherwise. Thank you for reading.

#DebilitatingDepression #si #Isolation #anhedonia

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BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Christianity

I just did some light reading 📖 on BPD and I’m definitely not liking what I read. Basically I’m a culmination of fear,anxiety,sadness,worthlessness,anger and boy do I fit the bill. And I definitely don’t want to be narcissistic at all and I don’t want to suffer from fear 😨 of abandonment. I read something that cut me real deep. It said that when our relationships fail basically we feel as if we’re the victims and I screwed up my first marriage and because of her abandoning me I acted out badly. I am ashamed of myself because I threatened her life and mine if she tried to leave me. I was that desperate to hold on to our marriage at any cost. That’s when I threatened to jump off a bridge and my wife at the time and my mother had me involuntarily committed to a psychiatric institution and I was then diagnosed with bpd at that time in 2018 wow I look 👀 at my life and reading my own post I’m a horrible mistake that should’ve never happened in November of 1985 when I was born my heart ❤️ 🛑 stopped and I wish God would have left it that way because then I wouldn’t have ever hurt anybody and I myself wouldn’t have had to hurt all these years I would’ve been in heaven and been happy I really really hate myself right now

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I’m new here!

Hi, my name is ellakazam315. I'm here because I need to find myself and love myself. I'm working to find my peace again after a relationship that truly eclipsed my self worth.
#MightyTogether #Depression

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I feel so pathetic #Anxiety #Depression

I can’t believe that I am going through a second divorce in my lifetime at age 38 and I literally only have one friend irl like seriously I want to be strong and I want to be honest what hurts the most is this isn’t even bothering her it’s like being thrown away like yesterday’s garbage I admit I honestly hoped she’d beg to save the relationship and feel as devastated and distraught as I do

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