Relationships

Hi, my name is Cwright_1990. I've been diagnosed with borderline, anxiety, depression and adhd. I am look to learn coping skills and better manage everyday life. I want to improve my relationships with friends, family and my partner. I am looking for support and people who can relate.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD

Part 1 of 2 I know, I know, it’s that word again. The word your sister started ostentatiously throwing around since recently beginning therapy. The word your annoying co-worker places emphasis on when he doesn’t want to do anything outside of his job description. The word that TikTok therapist you follow has weaved into a catchy song and cringey dance routine. And the word everyone in my suburban town with school aged children can’t have a conversation without including, as the town is working on redistricting its schools. Wait, ignore that, that’s an entirely different context for the term. (Note to self: set boundaries on engaging in the school boundaries saga with other parents).

With the term gaining more traction over the past few years, I’m sure most of you reading this are capable of articulating at least a loose definition of the word. According to the Harvard Business Review, boundaries can be defined as “limits we identify for ourselves and apply through action or communication.” And since so much of our communication in today’s digital age is done so via social media, in order to preserve our mental and emotional well-being, it is crucial we set boundaries here, too.

1.     Monitor Who You Follow. Is everyone you see on your feed contributing positively to your mental and emotional health? Or does seeing their pictures, posts, and location “check-ins” leave you feeling depleted? It’s only natural to feel a twinge of jealousy when a friend posts pictures of their amazing European vacation while you’re stuck at home, working a job you loathe. That jealousy might sting a little more if one of said pictures highlights the friend’s seemingly flawless bod, and includes a caption expressing gratitude for her job, for if it wasn’t for the generous salary and unlimited vacation days her amazing company provides, none of this would be possible. However, if a lot of this friend’s posts are similar, causing you to go down a rabbit hole of questioning every move you’ve ever made in your life that has led you to this point, it might be time to reevaluate that friend list or mute those who aren’t serving you.

2.     Monitor Who Follows YOU. That’s right. This is a very important element of setting social media boundaries, and one that is often misconstrued. There is a common misconception that doing things like not accepting a friend request despite knowing the person, or de-friending, blocking, or limiting what a follower is able to view on your platform is motivated by wanting to enact some sort of vengeance. An “eye for an eye” type retaliation designed to stick it to the person on the receiving end. And I’ll admit, there was a time I falsely believed this notion. So much so that I tolerated years of gossip, criticism, and scrutiny from certain followers, based on nothing but their perception of my posted reality. The emotional toll it took on me was substantial, and one day I decided I had had enough. It doesn’t matter what role these followers play in your life. They could be strangers, or they may be family; if removing them from your social media life removes unnecessary strife from your real life, you are entitled to preserve your peace.

3.     Limit Your Usage. I get it. There’s a big dopamine hit that comes with seeing those notification alerts. A laughing emoji response to a post that showcases your witty sense of humor, or a simple “like” on a cute picture of your dog can elicit feelings of validation. And while this isn’t a bad thing in and of itself, what do we often want when we get a taste of something that feels good? More. This can be a slippery slope toward relying on, and compulsively and incessantly checking social media in search of those coveted endorphin boosts. Establishing time limits can reduce these risks. Allocate specific times for checking social media. Need help with accountability? Well ironically, there’s an app for that!

4.     Get Creative. Ask someone you live with to hide your phone from you for the evening. Remove the social media apps from your phone’s home screen, making logging into them more difficult. Disable non-essential notification alerts to reduce the urge to check your accounts. And my favorite of them all: a reward system! I don’t care how old you are, there is just something about earning rewards that is so gratifying. You made it through your workday without checking Facebook? Watch an extra episode of that TV show you’ve been binging! Stuck to your five-day goal of only going on Instagram for 30 minutes a day? Get yourself a Starbucks coffee before work tomorrow! Deleted the TikTok app from your home screen? Hell, buy those Taylor Swift tickets! As adults, we know that we can watch the show, get that Starbucks, (and ok, maybe not as easily buy those T. Swift tickets) without “earning” them. However, that feeling that comes along with kn

Part 2 of 2 owing you accomplished a goal and deserve that reward is pretty sweet.

5.     Practice Digital Detox. Consider taking occasional breaks from social media altogether. These periods of detox can help you reset and regain perspective. And just think, doing so will give your brain, to quote the movie Stepbrothers, “So much more room for activities!”

Setting social media boundaries isn’t about shunning these platforms entirely; it’s about taking control of your online experience to enhance your overall well-being. Doing so helps strike a balance between staying connected and protecting your mental and emotional health. Remember, the power to create a healthier relationship with social media is literally in your hands.

I am grieving the loss of friendships and relationships due to my depression and I want to share my experience, navigation process, and coping methods with others in hopes that I can help people in similar situations as my own. There are so many resources that say for those struggling with depression to reach out to a trusted friend, especially if feeling suicidal, but there are not many resources that share how to deal with the potential backlash. There are also resources on how to help friends, I’ve personally written blogs on this, but that doesn’t mean that friends will read or abide by the advice.

Experience

“If you are going to be that way, I’m sorry to bother you.” I was told this by a relative after sharing that I had suicidal ideations.

“If you are going to be that negative, I’m going to remain silent.” I was told this by someone that essentially stopped talking to me and responding to me as I shared my level of depression.

“You ditched me and lied to me. You weren’t feeling bad, you just went out with someone else.” I was told this by a valued friend after having a weekend of not being able to get out of bed due to depression.

These are some of the things I have been told when sharing how low I felt. I’ve also had a best friend simply tell me to go to the ER then stopped communicating with me after I told her I needed her because I was so low.

All these things just felt like a punch in the gut when I was already knocked down.

Navigation Process and Coping

I had to talk these experiences out with other friends. This showed me who my true friends were. I am learning to be grateful for my true friends and also to forgive those that cannot handle my mental illness. These experiences caused me crying spells and anxiety attacks but I give myself grace to feel those feelings. I also must give them grace as not everyone can handle mental illness. The stigma is real and I must also accept that while advocating to end the stigma. It’s not easy.Going to therapy is critical. I processed these experiences with my therapist. It is so important to have a trusted therapist and to go meet with them regularly.

I also started going to a group called Emotions Anonymous. You can check them out here and find a group near you: emotionsanonymous.org. This is an anonymous group where people that struggle with similar suicidal ideations come together for support. It has been amazing so far.It’s important to learn who safe people are and who are not. Sometimes it’s a hard less but you can get through it!It’s important to know that you are not alone, not only in your depression, but in the other struggles depression and other mental illnesses bring like loss of friendships and relationships.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder how do you stop it?
How do you stop feeling the raw guilt of having a MI?
The words “I know you have bpd but” like a slap in the face. Like a reminder. A sick reminder I’m not normal. She talks about how I get lost in my own pain and I’m here like “but lines like “you have bpd but” doesn’t exactly help sweetheart. You just sounded like everyone else arohnd me for the last 15 years. “I know you’re depressed but” “I know you’re suicidal but” “I know you’re hurting but” “I know you feel so much but” “I care about you but” obligations and situations. She acts like I’m some abuser and somehow stringing her along like I…she wasn’t there.
Like ///she didn’t care wasn’t aware was always putting her or trying to put her first no matter how exhausted and small she felt.
No you know what no one else is here and she’s quiet so I will speak for her
///I felt hurt ///I felt like someone gutted me ///I felt like she just told me fully I wasn’t worth the time or effort to bring back.
That I’m not worth her time her effort her compassion and it’s sticking to my insides like glue because it’s the same **** **** that people have said to me since I was 14.
That ///Im not worth it.
I’m so tired.
I’m so so tired of being like this of being left behind of being told I’m too much not enough not good enough not well enough not open enough. And people wonder WHY I stuck in bad relationships or situations for so long because in those despite the abuse I was at least ///wanted in ways. I was being ripped apart and torn to pieces but people STILL wanted me and took the effort to ///have me.
And I ////feel that ache inside me again that I will never be able to experience something good sometbing healthy something normal and HER words feel like another nail in the coffin. That no matter how much I’m screaming to be let out to be helped to be held to be seen ///Im not enough I’m not ///good enough to be saved.
I hate her I think I was starting to love her I miss her I ache for her I mourn for her I can only FEEL pain I don’t feel ////good. I cant feel the sun on me I feel heat and it’s burning me alive and I am asking why am I still alive?
If i’m not worth anything if I’m not worth saving? Why? Why am I here???

When I was younger, I experienced inappropriate touching from my two cousins, as well as other men. Thankfully, nothing more severe happened, but I chose to keep it to myself because I remembered the negative impact it had when I confided in my mom.

During my childhood, my mom was my hero, despite her being intimidating. I loved her wholeheartedly, as she was a single mom without any support. I understood her struggles because life had been harsh to her.

However, I can't help but hold some resentment towards her for instilling fear in me. I never had privacy in various aspects of my life, from friends to food choices and even my clothing. I accepted it because she was the only family I had, unlike my absent father.

I vividly remember her checking my virginity daily by touching my vagina, even when I didn't fully understand what it meant. At the time, I believed she was looking out for me, but that perception changed when I turned 14.

When I reached 14, everything changed. I experienced my first painful and annoying period, and my mom introduced me to a man who was younger than her. While she seemed happy, I despised him from the moment I met him. It was the first time I felt hatred towards someone, aside from school-related matters.

Once he entered the picture, my mom's behavior shifted dramatically. She became overly nice, but I detested the way he treated me like his servant and the repulsive way he looked at me. Whenever I tried discussing my concerns with my mom, she would dismiss them, claiming I couldn't see her happy, which only angered her further.

I learned to ignore their behavior until that fateful day. Instead of coming straight home from school with my friends, I decided to take a leisurely walk through the neighborhood. Little did I know, that decision would forever change my relationship with my mom.

When I returned home just five minutes later, my mom appeared furious, as if she wanted to kill me. She interrogated me about where I had been and started hurling derogatory slurs at me, insinuating that I had been promiscuous. Mind you, I was only 14 years old, and she did this in front of her guests and her husband. She dragged me into a dreadful room, humiliating me in ways I had never experienced before. Ultimately, she confirmed that I was still a virgin.

I can still vividly recall that moment, as if it happened yesterday. There was no trace of remorse or guilt on her face, and my heart sank. I couldn't help but laugh, thinking I must be going insane. I understood that being a single parent was challenging, but did that make me a mere object? Don't I have feelings? Am I not a human being? It hurt me deeply.

She walked out of that room, taking a piece of my heart with her that day. I was never the same again.

Her smug husband stood at the door, demanding that I apologize to my mom for worrying her. I simply walked away while they yelled after me. In a fit of anger, I wanted to sleep with anyone, just to lose this meaningless virginity. Thankfully, my cousin intervened, the same cousin who had been among the men who molested me as a child. Thanks to him, I didn't make a regrettable decision in that moment.

Years have passed, and now I'm 19 years old. I have no friends, I avoid going out, and I despise my mom. Unfortunately, I still have no privacy.

Last year was particularly difficult for me. I resorted to cutting my wrists, but unfortunately, my blood wouldn't flow. I had to seek help from my mom again, and her response was dismissive, stating that it was embarrassing and not worth calling an ambulance on a Sunday. It's ironic that nearly dying was seen as less important than potential embarrassment.

Thank you for listening to my frustrations.

#Trauma #Distract

If you've read my previous posts, you know I get very attached to people. I used to talk in those posts of a friend, but she has completely abandoned me almost two years ago because I'm "too high maintenance". It was a very difficult time for me where I felt extremely lonely, but I tried to make changes and go out instead of wallow. That led to my meeting some new people, including the person who later became my boyfriend and the love of my life, except he's just abandoned me too. It wasn't because of me this time though.

We were together for almost a year and a half and we were seriously talking marriage. I loved him so deeply and I stood by him through thick and thin. He was also the only person ever who could make me truly feel better no matter how depressed I was. He'd changed a lot about himself for my sake (he had a bit of a wild lifestyle). But he was also very depressed. Life hasn't been very kind to him and a lot was going on with his family and work and other things, so he started thinking about running away and starting anew somewhere else. The problem is I couldn't go with him. He tried to stay for me, but in the end he said he couldn't and that if he stayed, he'd end up hurting himself or me and his family by how he'd become.

The first time he'd almost decided on leaving, he asked me to try to have a long distance relationship. I was against it because I told him it wouldn't work, but in the end I agreed to try. I was in tears almost the whole time for days and eventually he changed his mind (not totally because of me). He tried after to forget about that idea and just make a life here, but a few months later, he hit his breaking point and made the final decision to leave. This devastated me to no end. I was spiraling down despite my best efforts. Finally, I decided I wanted him in my life still even if it's a long distance relationship with no potential end date. However, he decided it would be too painful to do that and he didn't want to risk my eventual loss of feelings for him or attraction to someone else because he's not actually with me (and we can't easily visit each other). The thing is, which he knows, I don't intend to ever be with anyone else even if he and I aren't together. I have several reasons for that, but I won't get into them.

I've cut contact with him after that conversation and I've been feeling like I'm already dead. Everything feels so empty and meaningless. The food has no taste and the music feels like screeches. I watch TV shows all day long just to pass the time and not think but I feel like I just want to shut it all off. I've been late to work almost every day for a week. It's taking everything in me not to do "something". I just sit in silence and stare but I can almost see myself screaming and punching everything like in some horror movie where the reflection in the mirror moves differently than the character is.

I feel like I can't talk to anybody really, not even my therapist. I just keep wishing for death to take me. I feel so alone and I can't understand how he can be okay with this when he still says that he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and that he'd always love me. Why wasn't I worth the risk? Everyone keeps saying how amazing I am and how I'm the best they'd ever met, but they always end up leaving me like I was nothing. And somehow, I'm still the one who's worried about him even in my dreams.

My story -

I grew up in the 80s/90s where being “double-jointed” was just a weird quirk/party trick. Well, the women on both sides of my family were affected pretty hard by the hypermobility.

I was 12 when I had my first ever dislocation (and first signs of POTS). It was summer and my house was unairconditioned in Texas. I was helping my mom with dishes when I started to feel slightly dizzy, so I held onto the counter-top.

When I woke up after fainting, half of the dishes were broken on the floor around me, my mom was crying, trying to wake me up, and my elbow hurt. I was taken to my PCP, who had no idea what was wrong with me, but took xrays of my elbow and suggested that I drink more water.

And so, began my relationship with different doctors – specialists, primary care, whoever I needed to see, I would. But, besides being anemic, dizzy/prone to fainting, and hypermobile joints, no doctor had any clue what was going on with me.

Flash forward to age 28(no, really, 28), when I’m working for an established optometrist, he noted that I hyperextended my knees when I was standing tin place; he recommended that I see a rheumatologist/cardiologist because his wife and 2 children had vascular EDS(which if you know ANYTHING about EDS, you do not want vascular EDS).

So, I went to their specialists and was diagnosed with hEDS, POTS, Ankylosing Spondylitis, bursitis and inflammatory arthritis – after years (as in 10 years without any sort of diagnosis) of bloodwork, CT scans, MRIs, etc. My doctors then placed me on a host of medications, including a TNF inhibitor, which essentially made my immune system go bye bye – which my doctor elected to begin 2 weeks prior to the big shutdowns due to covid in March 2020.

When covid began, we had a host of friends that didn’t take things too seriously with restrictions, but understood that we(my partner and I) had to because of my new health findings. We didn’t have to worry about going to the stores because of grocery delivery options and restaurant delivery and our friends at that time would also bring by dinners, etc, since we couldn’t go out. But, empathy fatigue is real. After about 2 months, our “friends” started going back out again(Texas did not take covid seriously, at all) and we were kind of left behind.

I still have no immune system, cannot go to concerts, clubs, etc – which is starting to weigh heavily on my partner, who loves interacting with other humans. But those "friends" are all gone now and the loneliness of

My life looks completely different than I thought it would at this point in my life – I was an avid roller coaster enthusiast, but I know that this part of my life is behind me, along with most exercise, and my sex life (what sex life?!) – but I’m pushing through and trying to make the best of my life as it stands right now.#AnkylosingSpondylitis #Bursitis #ChronicPain #Depression #EhlersDanlos #JointHypermobilitySyndrome