Be Brave Enough to Be Yourself
So, peeps, I (58f) am approaching my first anniversary of finding out that I have Complex PTSD from layers and layers of a lifetime of trauma that contributed to my thinking I have a problem with apathy. It turns out that I have just been hiding in My Nest playing mindless games on my iPad because my subconscious came to the conclusion that the world is not a safe place for me and my sensitivities. That is what trauma will do to a person. And my subconscious is not wrong. But what should I do about it, give up?
Never. My therapist told me to experiment with feeling angry this week. I have had a lifetime of not allowing myself to feel angry because my traumas, the continuous evidence that my family did not value me, had me believing that I did not deserve to feel angry. My expression of anxiety has been hypo-arousal most of my life. I just shut down and avoid. That certainly LOOKS like apathy.
I was telling my therapist that my trauma recovery is taking too long. I want to feel whole and jump out of bed in the morning energized and psyched for my day. EMDR therapy has freed me from almost all of my triggers. I can now experience my trauma memories without freaking out or crashing, but there is a lot of lingering sadness and disappointment about what I experienced. And part of me just feels empty much of the time. Maybe I don’t remember how not to dissociate as a coping strategy. My therapist said something amazing. “It’s not your fault. None of it. Your struggles are real because of all of the trauma you experienced, all of the pain and fear. You never really expressed the anger you deserve to feel about your emotionally neglected childhood, your church trauma, your medical trauma, your employment trauma, your relationship trauma and all of the times you were treated unfairly. Maybe what you seek is on the other side of all of that anger.”
I think she is right! I am going to drive somewhere remote today and yell my head off and stomp my feet. It sounds silly, but I am going to try to express my anger to start the work to get past it. I have the rest of my life to live! Never give up on yourself. Find you and be fully you, whatever it takes. Find your peace. You deserve it. 🌟☀️🌻💛