How Self-Harm Became My Own ‘Silent Treatment’

I always disliked the term, “silent treatment.” Growing up, this was my father’s preferred method of discipline. Silence was never positive, and always hid the truth. His silent treatment turned into love withdrawal. He would withhold all attention, affection and physically turn away from me when I was near him. I was literally shunned. This would last days, weeks and on one occasion, two months. Most of the time, I had no idea what I did to deserve this treatment. I was a good kid. I obeyed, even if only out of fear.

I was an anxious child and teenager. I walked on eggshells thinking I was going to do something that would result in his silent treatment. I hated every moment of it. As time went on, I began to internalize this hatred and directed it at myself. Emotions were not permitted in the household, and serious discussions were nonexistent. I started to blame myself for everything. If he got mad and I didn’t know why, I blamed myself for doing something wrong and not knowing what it was.

Self-harm became my own silent treatment. I wasn’t allowed to express my emotions or feelings in my household, so I was silent. Self-harm became the way I expressed and punished myself. It was something I could control and keep to myself. When my father was angry, his discipline was not enough. I had to punish myself for not doing better, for not knowing what he needed. When he didn’t talk to me for two months, I self-harmed to deal with the constant anxiety of being ignored from someone who is supposed to show unconditional love. I self-harmed to suppress the hatred I had toward this man who was raising me. I self-harmed to provide comfort to myself. When I bandaged myself, I provided the nurturing I was never going to receive.

It has been almost 25 years since living with my father. I still have the urge to punish myself when I do something wrong. I constantly wonder if my loved ones are upset with me when don’t hear from them. I walk on eggshells around anyone who has a temperament like my father. It took years in therapy and distance from my family to realize the treatment I endured was in fact emotional abuse. It took me years to learn there are ways to express myself other than self-harm, though at times, it still continues to be a struggle. I am trying to find my voice to be able to express what only my scars could. This is me not being silent anymore.

I’d like to tell my teenage self, and anyone else enduring similar treatment, that you are not a burden, damaged or unworthy. You are not bad, unlovable or an inconvenience. You have a right to be heard, nurtured and comforted. You deserve respect and compassion. If you are in pain, hurting or in trouble, reach out to a trusted adult. There are people who want to listen, help and be supportive. Holding in feelings, self-harming and keeping silent can lead to a downward spiral. There is hope, love and support for you. Be kind to yourself and your body. While you cannot control other people’s behavior or actions, you can choose how you act. Choose not to be silent.