How Exercise Addiction Turned My Apple Watch Into Handcuffs

This is a breakup story.

No, not that kind of breakup. My fiancé and I are still happily engaged, hoping for brighter and better days in 2022.

No, this is a different kind of breakup story. One year ago, I broke up with my Apple Watch. After a very committed two and a half years together, I ended things. I had to do this for reasons similar to why we make the hard decision to end any relationship; it had become unhealthy, toxic and unfulfilling.

That said, anyone who knows me knows I loved my Apple Watch. I was the girl who wore it to parties with a nice dress even though it definitely didn’t match. I brought it everywhere. From the outside, it probably just seemed like I was very invested in health and fitness. And I was — but it quickly became much more intense than that.

You see, wearing the watch wasn’t just wearing an accessory to me. It was more like wearing handcuffs. And someone had thrown away the key.

With the watch, I was trapped in an obsessive, compulsive cycle of counting calories and exercise minutes. I had to close my rings. My worth was based on numbers on a little screen attached to my wrist. The handcuffs were getting tighter and tighter. And I couldn’t find the key; but here’s the thing — for a very long time, I also didn’t want to find the key.

One year ago, I broke free from the chains. And if I’m being honest, it wasn’t an easy breakup. I still have urges to count calories and exercise minutes and base my worth off these arbitrary things. And some days, I give into these urges. Accompanying these urges are memories of a painful relationship that I am working every single day to permanently put in my rearview mirror.

But I haven’t put the watch back on. I haven’t even turned it on. It ran out of battery shortly after I took it off, and I haven’t plugged it in since.

This is a breakup story, but it is also the beginning of an addiction recovery story.

Again, not in the traditional sense. I am not celebrating one year sober from drugs or alcohol. Many of my clients are valiantly fighting that battle, and it’s no easy feat. But in the addiction field, we have people identify their “drug(s) of choice.” I realize this may sound like a bit of a stretch, but consider it this way: my “drug of choice” was my watch. My “drug of choice” was closing my rings. It was feeling the haptic vibration on my wrist, providing me with the positive reinforcement and the surge of happy chemicals that I craved. It was finally feeling worthy each time I engaged in my “addiction.” But, much like an addiction to drugs or alcohol, the relief was temporary. It would fade, and I’d have to do the behaviors again. And again. And again.

This addictive cycle continued day after day, mile after mile, minute after minute, calorie after calorie… until I was ready to change.

In the past year, I’ve learned how to fall in love with exercise again (or maybe for the first time). I move my body in ways that feel good. I know that calories are just a number (though some days I have to remind myself of that fact more than others) and that my worth is based on so much more than that. I feel so grateful for the way my body can move. I run faster than ever before, I lift heavier, and I carry myself more confidently. I learned exercise doesn’t have to be a punishment.

So, this is a breakup story. It’s also a recovery story. But most importantly, it’s my story.

Today, as I’m writing this, I feel stronger than I did one year ago in so many different ways. I finally feel free.