What to Know If You Hate the Idea of ‘Reparenting’ Yourself in Trauma Recovery

If I had a dime for every meme, inspirational post or time my therapist talked about my need to “reparent” myself, I’d be a millionaire. And every time I see or hear that phrase, it fills my entire body with rage — like palpable fury that makes me want to punch something, and I’m not a violent or volatile person by nature. 

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My fury is many-faceted and something I happen to know many others find equally frustrating and angering. I recognize the necessity for some degree of inner child work, and perhaps my resistance is a barrier to my healing from trauma. But… maybe there’s some validity to my feelings. 

First, “reparenting” myself makes me acutely aware of the fact that I never had functional parents to begin with. But… I already “parented” myself throughout my whole childhood. In fact, I parented my mother, grandmother and everyone around me my whole life. I chose not to have children of my own because I am “parented” out. I’m tired of being the parent. I want someone else to do it. Cue inner child tantrum that probably needs some degree of parental guidance to help self-soothe.

Secondly, I feel it insinuates I’m some kind of helpless child. I’m not. I’m a high-functioning adult who is in a happy marital relationship and doing a job I’m passionate about. Do I struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression related to childhood trauma? Yes. Do I need to address the wounds from childhood that continue to haunt me? Yes. Do I want a real mommy to do that for me? Yes. Is that magical thinking because I’m 45 years old and that ship has sailed? Yes. Talk about a deflating, daunting and utterly hopeless feeling that just leaves me resentful that my own parents weren’t there for me as a child. 

And finally, I have been told that the best way to “reparent” myself is to acknowledge my needs and then find ways of getting those needs met, either by myself or by caring others. The idea of putting others into some kind of pseudo-parental role to help me get my needs met feels utterly creepy. I can ask my husband to help me feel less upset by giving me a hug if something upsets me, but I don’t want him to occupy some kind of weird father role. I can have deep discussions with my best friend about life, fears and ask for a hug but again, I don’t want to insert her into some kind of substitute mother position. I view her as my equal. And sure, therapists will say that they are the closest things to a parent in adult life that you can experience, but they aren’t our parents, nor should we allow ourselves to attach to them in that way. I made that mistake with a previous therapist who encouraged this kind of therapy and it backfired royally. 

When I expressed all of these thoughts, feelings and rage to my current therapist, she helped me reframe it in a way that literally made my head explode and completely shifted how I see what it is that I’m trying to achieve. She substituted the term “reparenting” for “renurturing.” This made all the difference in the world. Nurturing is something humans require regardless of age. It’s a basic human need and one that doesn’t feel like it in any way infantilizes me.

If you’ve struggled with wrapping your head around how to even begin the process of “reparenting” yourself, try reframing it as “renurturing.” It feels like this perspective opens the door for what can be included in this process. It doesn’t conjure images of being a helpless child relying on mommy or daddy for everything. It feels more empowering, more multifaceted and more of a process that welcomes the healthy connection with other grown-ups within our lives to be integral parts of our healing journeys.