To the Friends I Hurt Because of My Social Anxiety

You may not hear from me often and might even wonder if we’re still friends. You may feel like I’m avoiding you or don’t value you. You may even feel hurt, and that breaks my heart for you.

The truth is you’re still my friend, and I still love you, even if we rarely talk or see each other. But in all honesty, I’m struggling with social anxiety, and my anxiety may make me seem avoidant or uncaring.

My social anxiety is cyclical, which makes staying in touch with friends extremely difficult. I’ll feel anxious about texting or making plans, and I may try to avoid that sense of discomfort. As time passes between the last time I texted or had plans with you, I often worry too much time has passed to reach out. My anxiety festers, time elapses, my anxiety increases, and the cycle repeats itself over and over. Sometimes my fear even reaches a point where I wonder if you still want to be my friend because I’m so “bad” at friendship.

When we do connect and spend time with each other, I love talking to you and being with you. I genuinely care about everything that’s going on in your life, and I always have an amazing time when we see each other. In those moments, I soak in the joy you bring me and realize some of the things that make me socially anxious may not feel so anxiety-inducing after all. You make me feel comfortable to be myself, and even when I feel anxious, being with you in the moment lessens some of my fear.

Unfortunately, soon after those wonderful moments, the social anxiety cycle repeats, and you may not hear from me for a while. My silence isn’t a reflection on you or our friendship — it only mirrors the chaos of my anxious mind. I know friendship isn’t one-sided, and I sometimes worry you think I’m not putting in any effort to truly be a friend to you. I would love nothing more than to be able to talk to you without fearing that I’m being “too much” or “not enough” or worrying that my words came across in a negative way. I haven’t fully reached that point yet — it’s still far too easy for me to let my anxiety consume me.

If my distance from you hurts you, I’m sorry for not being more present in your life. I think about you often, love you wholeheartedly, and truly value our friendship. You’re an incredible friend, even when I’m struggling to reach out to you or haven’t seen you in months. It’s in those moments I should remind myself of what my social anxiety often makes me forget — you’re empathetic, caring, and supportive, and you want to spend time with because you see me as a friend, too.

My social anxiety causes me to struggle with being a good friend, but I’m working to make myself feel less anxious. I hope with time, we’ll be able to see each other more easily and frequently — you’re amazing, and you deserve a friend who’s just as present as you are.