My speech was very slow and at times slurred when I eventually began to speak... I just managed to utter one word it was always the same nonsensical word that was my response to everything I would substitute for everything “yes for no “for any response the right word would be waiting in my head and this silly word would exit my mouth it bore no resemblance to any word I had ever heard...so with unbelievable frustration ...so much had happened to me I couldn’t even omit a tear to at least to express how impotent I felt... and to top it all this silly word was the word was the accumulation of a lifetime of education was , *NARWAGI *but from the beginning I refused to wallow in self pity that would I knew would be self defeating. As I learned to ‘control ‘a few words I was mortified at the growling intonation in my voice this made me even more self-conscious it was misleading this was not my voice bore no resemblance . I remember taking ages to find the right word or words, and eventually a phrase disjointed and awkward something that had been so easy in the past was so now so difficult and always premeditated , then when would eventually emerge it would come out like I was in a slow motion movie ...somebody had adjusted my brain running now it was running at the wrong speed , when it did obey me it was laboured slurred or a werewolf on Valium . I felt the overwhelming urge (if only I Could) to tell people this wasn’t my ‘real voice ‘I wasn’t an alcoholic or a drug addict . Inside my head felt *hurt * Painful *Numb* all at the same time.
so many of my neural pathways had been damaged or destroyed in my brain due to a massive haemorrhagic stroke , so finding the right words takes a lot lot longer than it did It’s in there, if you have ever had a word on the tip of your tongue and you can’t recall,imagine that feeling multiply by fifty there you have it.
it is so much more tiring trying to find it ...Imagine the pathways are a giant conveyor belt the people are all moving fast and production is running liked a well oiled machine , so by working together they are able to complete the job effectively quickly . When you have someone has suffered Aphasia the production line is like an “I love Lucy episode “ when ‘Gladys and Lucy find themselves are under extreme pressure and quickly get out of control trying to cope by trying and keep the conveyor belt running fluidly as long as possible...So for Aphasia sufferers it’s going to take more time, time to heal ... time to relearn...time to become and a lot of patience believe me, learning to deal with condescending ignorant people probably is the most painful thing you have to deal with ..and most survivors are left suffering physical disabilities and fatigue ! But if you are determined eventually time and practice become your friend and building up stamina ....your newly tuned skill set will win the day. I can’t really explain Aphasia fully...only a piece in the huge puzzle 🧩