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A ‘Break-Up’ Letter to My Addiction

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Editor's Note

If you or a loved one is affected by addiction or emotional abuse, the following post could be triggering. You can contact SAMHSA’s hotline at 1-800-662-4357, or the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741.

If you’re struggling with self-judgment, check out The Mighty’s No Shame group. It’s a safe space to share how you’re feeling with other people who get it.

The first time I saw you, I have to admit, I was intimidated.

Everything I had heard about you was how amazing you are. People would tell me, “You have to meet her, give her a shot.” I, never being one to hesitate, decided to jump right in.

We met for the first time on a dark and rainy night. I remember the sound of the raindrops that night more than ever. It was as if I had never heard rain before. The sound was so distinct as I stared at you. Not knowing what road lay ahead for us, I was just hoping to have you for one night only. The rain poured harder and harder as I sat mesmerized with you. The natural lure you possessed was enough to make any man fall victim to your ways. I was no different.

I finally grabbed you and decided it was time to make my move. I had waited enough. The excitement and anticipation coursed through my vessels as I felt the adrenaline. I couldn’t wait to feel you. I picked you up and carried you to the bedroom so we could be in peace. I undressed you slowly and methodically. I wanted to remember every part of you as you unveiled yourself to me.

Little did I know what you would do to me. The effect you had on me was instantaneous. Like pouring gasoline on fire, we mixed, but it was dangerous. Euphoria pouring all over my body as I lay there nodding off, I pushed you off me and said goodbye for the evening. I thought that was going to be the only time but your magnetic pull had other plans.

A couple of days later, I picked you up for a second time. I wasn’t supposed to see you again, but you were exhilarating. I felt like I could live in my skin for the first time when I was with you. I felt warm and fuzzy all the time. It was all going great until you started to take over the relationship. You moved in without asking, mastering all the control. Before I knew it, I couldn’t go anywhere without you. The thought of being alone without you would make me shake and shiver. I would wake some mornings when you weren’t there and try to calm my writhing nerves. My body would hurt everywhere. As intoxicating as you were, I now began to feel your darkness come over me. I needed you.

My life completely halted in hopes I could just hang onto you for a little longer. I knew you were killing me, yet I couldn’t let go of your hold. My days and nights became devoted to you and you alone. My family fell by the wayside. Friends who talked down about you, I let them go. I was blinded. You took me to death and back a handful of times. I forgave you, invited you back in like an old friend. You took the air from my lungs and turned my skin blue, but I caught my breath and carried on with you by my side.

I ran for fear of my life and when I got away from you, I was all alone. I realized I couldn’t have you anymore. We had to break up.

The last time I saw you, you put me in a chokehold and squeezed until I had nothing left inside but to give up and die. I finally fought back for the first time ever. My punches were weak and sickly. My body was broken. My spirit was lost. With a little bit of hope, somehow, I landed one punch. Weak as it was, it gave me room to breathe. I caught my breath and kept on fighting.

One day lead to the next, and before I knew it, you were gone. I didn’t know for how long, so I was careful. I vowed right there and then to never see you again.

One day at a time, I would keep you in my past where you belong. You took so much from me, but through defeating you, I gained so much more.

Photo by Dmitry Ermakov on Unsplash

Originally published: May 21, 2020
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