Afraidofthefuture

I used to be sure of a number of things in my life, not so much anymore. I feel my life is changing a lot both externally and internationally. I’m counting the days until my next doctors appointment and visit to the psychologist. For a while now, I feel that maybe I have some form of a personality disorder along with my severe depression. Most times I feel lost, I don’t really know who I am. The people who I’ve kept close I’m beginning to want to push away. For the last week, I’ve been asking God to help me to push this guy away and for every time I ask this, the guy comes back along with extended time with him. I know there are those who care about me, but there is something inside of me that won’t process it if not accept it. It’s all strange, and I’m very afraid. The sad part is that this is something that I’ve never said out loud. #MentalHealth #Depression #Afraidofthefuture

I started studying from 2013 til 2016. I tried studying 2 different courses. Both are a 3 year span. First two years I studied one course and the I then I dropped that one. Then I decided to study something else. Also stopped just after 2nd year ended. I dropped out due to my mental illness. I went to a psychiatric hospital in 2016 for 3 weeks. Diagnosed with severe Depression, anxiety and bi polar. I got a temp job as a bookseller in 2017 and I’m still there. I look at others completing their studies being all happy, and devotional to it. My older sister completed her studies after 7 years, she’s dentist now. I envy her so much. I envy them all. I really want to secure my future, But I just can’t bare the thought of going back to study. Just thinking about it overwhelms me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even think I have a future. I don’t see one. It’s so hard to find a permanent job, that doesn’t require a degree from someone. I want to give up. There’s no point. Sorry I’m all over the place. So many thoughts I want to share.