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Competitive Sport

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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Can truth from your past be found in social media

It is wrong to feel bad for not having any friends on Facebook, or any followers on Twitter or Instagram. I have lived a life the last 13 years full of hate and sadness. I have lived a life long before this with the same abuse and bullying, but for a few years I found people that wanted to be associated with me and cared about me. But the last 13 years is what really sticks with me. Being told I was ugly and most of the time ugliest person in the world gave me issues for the longest time I was afraid to look in the mirror because I for one was afraid to see what others saw and when I did look in the mirror I would see myself as others did ugly. Other than being told I was ugly I was often told I was incredibly undesirable and that I would be alone forever, looking back I was single for the better part of that time with one relationship with a girl that cheated and went out with me as a joke with her friends and a second relationship with a girl that to this day I feel she had an ulterior motive, a third relationship were the girl cheated and was after money she thought I had. Every relationship I had was with someone with an ulterior motive and the last told me I was ugly. Besides being told I was ugly and undesirable, I would often be told I was a loser, a nerd, someone no one cares about, and even my fifth-grade teacher got in on the bullying and made a stupid jingle up about me being without a date until 2008 or something to that extent. My least favorite of all from the last 13 years was having ever interaction judged as flirting and every girl I worked with stating I asked them out as a way to have a form of common bond of being asked out by me even when I never did .I remember telling people about my desire to share my story and make YouTube videos and create a blog and the reaction of one girl being laughter and looking at my channel and making fun of my lack of views and telling me no one will ever care about anything you create. Now I look at my lack of twitter followers for my blog, lack of friends on Facebook, and lack of followers on Instagram for my blog, and low view counts as my blog and wonder what if everyone from the past 13 years was right, that I am truly undesirable, someone no one cares about, and the ugliest person in the world. In my crazy mind I see my lack of views on YouTube as people being unable to look at my ugly face and the occasional views usually result in comments of me sounding gay or hating my voice which I delete but they still hurt. So, my question is, is it wrong to judge the comments of the past on social media followers and friends.

#MentalHealth #NotGoodEnough #BipolarDisorder

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Having a difficult evening and past few days…

Struggling with fears of being inept and always feeling like I’m dropping the ball somewhere. While I also struggle with deepening depression and fear from ptsd I want to talk to a friend or reach out to someone somewhere or even scream but I always remain silent and now I feel more stuck than ever! I can always give great advice to friends and I’d drop everything anytime at a moments notice to help anyone truly but when it comes to be I can not take my own words to heart I offer to others….I feel lost and alone!🥹😢😶

#PTSD  #Depression  #NotGoodEnough #help #ADHD  #Epilepsy  #Migraine 


Not Good Enough

I have been feeling this way for quite some time now. I try to lessen it by looking at good things I’ve accomplished, but the mean little voice in my head tells me I’m just being conceited and counters with all the mistakes I’ve made in life. I can’t seem to shake it.

I don’t understand why I’m punishing myself. Usually I feel this way for shorter periods and then life will brighten again. It’s so hard. I keep remembering other people in my life at different times telling me my physical flaws and my faults and criticizing the things I do. You would think that I’d be over all of this in my 60s, but I still feel I’m not good enough. I can’t seem to break free.

I’m trying to spend time working in my garden in the sunshine to hopefully make this feeling go away. #NotGoodEnough

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Not good enough

I’ll never be special to him….I love him so much but I feel our relationship is one sided. He’s on his phone with his back towards me right now and if I ask or try to look he gets defensive. I confronted him but tries to twist on me ….. I have proof but I’m the bad guy. I feel so alone and depressed to the point I’ve started cutting #Selfharm #depressed #FeelingAlone #NotGoodEnough #wannagiveupalready

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#EatingDisorders #MentalHealth #NotGoodEnough #Depression

Basically I feel like I need to “fix” me by engaging in eating disorder behaviors since I can’t seem to be in a relationship which then leads to feeling depressed and alone. Pretty great!


Controlling Mother

I am now 41 years old. My mom almost always points out what I'm doing wrong or what I should or shouldn't do. I have a full time job. My house is paid for. I'm also a single mother to my 15 year old son. I used to had to depend on her for help with him until this past year. I have a boyfriend now. We have been dating a little over a year now. He has a 12 year old daughter. My mom thinks that he is pushing me to let him move in with me. Sure we have discussed it but it hasn't happened yet. I'm not letting anyone pressure me into doing something that I don't want to do. She questions everything that I do. She finds fault with almost anything I do. None of my choices are good enough for her. I love my mom, I really do. I just cannot handle her being so critical of my every decision and every move I make. I honestly don't know what to do because anytime I bring it up it starts an argument between us. She then starts with the poor pitiful me act and turns the whole thing against herself by saying she can't do anything right or make anyone happy. I'm at a loss! Any opinions, suggestions, and or ideas are much appreciated!#narcissisticmom #narcissist #narcissiticmother #mother #Controlling #NotGoodEnough


Late night thoughts 1

Do you ever just feel that you’re not good enough. That you just don’t deserve happiness or that you’re just never gonna get happiness. I’m always afraid of that. I’m always afraid that I’m never gonna find anyone and I’m just going to be alone forever. I ever since my mom died when I was 11 I feel like there’s a part of me that’s missing. And everyone is getting Married and having kids and I am just stuck. Some days it’s fine other times at night especially that’s when all the thoughts come. #NotGoodEnough #Foreveralone