I want to know why some of us have brains that know how to stop and others of us do not. I want to know why some of us are “all or nothing,” black and white thinkers, while others of us do not take things to such extremes.
I want to know why I have the mind of an addict. I want to know why alcohol (and granted, other behaviors such as anorexia-related ones) draws me in as much as it does. Maybe it’s time to stop asking why and to start taking action. I’ve started going to AA meetings. I go in phases when I’m able to not drink, but then, I always fall back to it. This time I’m determined not to.
It’s hard dealing with this, no matter where you are in life. In college, I find I’m surrounded by many people who may not realize what’s happening with me is beyond the “normal.” My close friends do, and the silly thing is I still find myself trying to deceive them. I drink when they aren’t looking and ignore their well-intentioned advice.
My alcohol use certainly isn’t helping my bipolar disorder. In fact, part of the reason I drink is because I like the intense manic high it gives me, but I always try to make myself forget about the severe depressive crash. That is, until I’m forced to face it head on.
I feel like without alcohol, without an eating disorder and without self-harming, I’m empty. Even though I ultimately feel better without those things in my life, I think it’s that inherent emptiness that indicates I have the addict’s brain.
I’m doing my best to fight it. I’m starting with finding a community of people who understand me. I’m doing it by telling more people I’m sober so that I can be held accountable. It’s not that I ever drank around the clock, but I know with me, one drink just isn’t possible. It’s always a binge, and it always results in an intense, rapid manic-depressive episode.
This is why I’m, once again, trying for sobriety. In the end, life is better without my addictions.
If you or a loved one is affected by addiction and need help, you can call SAMHSA‘s hotline at 1-800-662-4357.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
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Kaden M (he/they) is a graduate student, working towards obtaining an MFA in creative writing. He is writing a fiction novel, a nonfiction memoir, and a book of poems. He loves traveling, books, dogs, and is an advocate for mental illness and neurodiversity. He has also recently come out as queer and trans and wants to be an advocate for this community as well. He writes about many conditions, including: Bipolar disorder, depression, OCD, ADHD, anxiety, (C)PTSD, Anorexia, Borderline Personality, learning disabilities, Autism/Sensory processing issues... in other words, his experiences with mental illness and as a neurodivergent individual. Kaden also advocates, shares his stories, and general positivity (Oh, and photos of his two dogs!) on his public instagram account @obsessive.but.awesome
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