The prescription bottles in my medicine cabinet are talking to me, my esophagus is craving the burn of alcohol, and every sharp edge gets a little too close to my skin.
The sun is a little too bright, and happiness is a little too sweet. Life is so boring without drugs.
My sobriety clock is haunting me. The numbers are holding me hostage and taunting me. I’m watching the seconds tick time away, counting down to when I lose this battle.
The chips in my drawer are a useless reminder of bad coffee and uncomfortable chairs. The months they represent have lost their meaning. I’d rather use them for poker.
I’m starting to forget why I’m sober. This isn’t what I thought it would be like. Were the nights I can’t remember really so bad? Do I really care about my damaged body? Do I really need any friends and family around to judge me? Was any of this worth it?
I don’t want to relapse… but it feels like everything that’s supposed to help is turning against me.
I currently have a friend ( I will call him Joe)I met because he is friend with my husband. Recently I met his fiancée (I will call her Jane). Both of there own admission, not my judgments are alcoholics. Joe takes total responsibility for his behaviors when he is drinking... makes 0 excuses for himself... has never been aggressive or violent in my presence or when living with my husband and I for around a year. Jane blames all her behaviors on her drinking takes little to no responsibility. I have heard her be physical and verbally abusive to Joe.
Fast forward 2 months ... Joe is in ICU, on a ventilator and is medically sedated. His kidneys have shutdown and his liver is failing.
One more than one occasion Jane has called or texted so emotionally distraught that my husband and I have to talk to her for long periods of times to calm her down, and even once we had to call ambulance because she attempted suicide... Fortunately she was reached in time.
After these episodes anytime I try to explain how hurt she mad me feel because of the mean abusive things she said to me.... she first says well I was drunk... I don't remember.. she will give me an I'm sorry, which in my opinion she does just to divert attention from her.
Next she will reach out to my husband saying how mean I am to her... how selfish...etc.
Please keep in mind the time period I am discussing is within the last 3 weeks... 10 days of it being when Joe is in hospital. Thankfully in the last few days he is off ventilator, out of complete sedation and his liver has began to work some. He will remain on dialysis because his kidneys no longer function.
Jane's behavior is triggering for me because her actions are exactly how my mom, maternal grandmother and paternal aunt behaved when and after drinking. I want to be their for my husband and Joe but cannot deal with any of Jane's drama.
I know I am being selfish but I can't deal with the flashbacks, anxiety and anger it's triggering in me.
Many of us fight invisible battles every day but yet we look like we have got it all together. When someone says they are depressed don't assume they're just feeling a little down that day and not respect that what they say is real, challenging, and can be deeply painful emotionally. When someone says they have chronic pain you can not see, and you've never been there, don't think they are complaining and should just deal with it or judge when they can not do things that they “appear” completely capable of doing. When someone says they are suffering from a migraine don't minimize it as it's”just” a headache or nothing major. Many of us are carrying a lot of weight on our shoulders and just hide it well....please appreciate our ability to be present and function as “normal” people do. Please love, support and honor others if they mention battles they face you can not see...the weight they carry on their shoulders can be far heavier than what it appears!
(Feel free to share this with friends or family in your life who you feel need to hear it, they probably do)
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