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Substance Use Disorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Addiction #Depression #Anxiety #AlcoholDependence
I started drinking when I was a kid. My parents would give me sips of their beer when I would tell them I was thirsty and then laugh at how cute I was when I drank it. I loved the attention. I got drunk the first time at 11, after my sister died. I started drinking full time at age 14. I drank almost every day from the age of 19 until I was 40, except when I was pregnant: twice (and boy, did I not like that).
I “tried” to quit drinking a few times it never lasted. Finally, I joined AA. There, I was love bombed and abused much like the dysfunctional family I grew up in. They taught me I had a disease that was incurable and I was morally bankrupt. Any normal human emotion was a selfish symptom of my alcoholic/addict brain. Since, I was morally bankrupt I couldn’t be trusted to manage my own health. I must rely on a “higher power”.
I was encouraged to stop taking my prescribed medication and to stop seeing therapists and was being steered towards a certain religion. Further disempowering me, and making me dependent on the program, was the belief that I would have to remain dependent on this
“higher power” and be a life time member or I would die.
So to put it simply I had a scientific “disease” that science could not cure, I was too morally deficient to think for myself and AA knew what was best for me. I stayed for 6 months, before I had a falling out with a member when my dad died. The lack of empathy for my situation was appalling.
We had one member who was the leader rather than someone who shared that role with everyone the way the meetings are traditionally conducted. She verbally attacked me, stalked me, harassed me, started a smear campaign and threatened physical harm. Even my sponsor was harmful, she joined right in and so did her husband. I almost got a restraining order, instead I didn’t leave my house for almost a year. Even after, I rarely go out alone.
That experience caused me to finally quit, not because the “program” worked, but in spite of it. I never wanted to be involved with people like that again, nor did I ever want that life again.
So, those outside of the 12 step programs don’t know, and believe they’re great programs. Let’s be honest, that’s what you’ve been taught to believe, and until recently there has been no other choice. For those in the programs, you are desperately seeking love, acceptance, approval, and relief of your addictions (self medicating, that’s what it truly is). You have been taken advantage of, I hope you realize that, and get some real help someday. And for those who left, I’m proud of you, for finding that inner strength that was repressed in you; thinking for yourself, so you will never fall victim again to exploitation and empowering yourself to truly heal.
I’m 6 years alcohol free, and nearly 2 years tobacco free. No higher power did that. Thoughts and prayers didn’t do that. I did that. I can have all the alcohol and tobacco I want, I simply don’t want it. I have healthier choices and better ways to love my self.
I know a lot of people reading this, will experience cognitive dissonance.
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