I almost didn’t get dressed today. Consumed in sadness. The smallest thing set me off and I couldn’t even make it to therapy.

Overcome with sadness, overcome with regret, overcome with grief. I still after all these years feel like it’s my fault. Tonight is the anniversary of when I didn’t save you.

I wish I could have saved you.
I wish I could take so many things back that night. I wish I would’ve taken you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped…

I feel like I could’ve done something different, I imagine me screaming at you to stop and put the bottle down…

I imagine myself calling for help. I imagine myself not letting your last breaths slip away as I helped them put you in the car to “sleep it off”…

I thought it was normal. I thought you were okay. But you weren’t. I didn’t help you, I should’ve, I could have, but I didn’t and I didn’t even know it…

You’re gone now, never coming back, will never meet our children. Weren’t at our wedding. Just gone like the dream I had of you entering the corn field. Disappearing as you walked farther…

You’re gone forever. But my guilt and my grief remain. I fear I will never be the same. I fear the shame and guilt will continue to consume me until my own very last breath.

#Grief #MentalHealth #Depression #alcoholpoisoning #Anxiety #SuicidalThoughts