Suicidal Thoughts

Yesterday to this morning for me is another example of why I am so thankful every day that I took the University of Pennsylvania’s online course on learning and applying resilience skills, so grateful that I typed up every single word that was taught, and that I recently started this group to share this critical knowledge from the actual people that researched this.

U. of Penn’s definition of Resilience is not only the ability to bounce back from adversity, but also the ability to grow from challenges.

In this course, Dr. Karen Reivich focuses on the psychosocial aspects of resilience. The aspects of resilience that are determined by your psychology, and by your social relationships and interactions.

So, yesterday was one of the rare days within recent years that 1) my fatigue completely took hold of me, and 2) my brain’s sleepiness was to the point that most of my brain would not wake up - all day- and I could see myself not able to function practically at all.

It’s not like this was the first time this ever occurred, and it’s always a possibility, but it is still very hard to watch myself go through this and it is also very hard to wake up from the next morning—the kind of “slap in the face” reminder that oh yeah, I live with a chronic illness that can at times, and I will never know when, will have me almost completely disabled.

So, this morning I woke up with this “setback.” And I look at it like I was brought to a “fork in the road.” And now while yesterday’s adversity was not in my control, this morning, which I always work to look at as a fresh, new day full of good possibilities, it was actually now in my control as to which way I let myself go in my mind at this “fork in the road.”

Of course upon waking up, my mind started on autopilot and took me the wrong direction. Then, the moments that I made myself ready for, the clarity, the practice of never staying in autopilot and moving forward on purpose, with intention, with as much control as I can have and before it gets too hard to get the control back.

I turned my brain’s thinking around, I put my focus on the truths that were on my side- including but not limited to the fact that I Have Bounced Back From Much Worse Than This…;and I turned my mind away from dangerous cognitive distortions and right then and there pretty fast I would not let the negativity bring me downward.

Yesterday, I still had the mindful awareness to apply radical acceptance, non-judging, patience, trust, and just letting be with what is — for this one day -these are part of the 9 Attitudes of Mindfulness that I have begun to write posts about here for you. These all link together with the skills of resilience.

What you will learn too here, amongst other important things is that -it is when we start paying attention to our inner experience, that we rapidly discover that there are certain thoughts and feelings and situations that our mind seems to want to hold on to.

And amongst other what are called “resilience interventions” that I applied were these skills that I committed to in living with intention- what are called “protective factors” that I nurture every single day so they will be there for me when I need them most, when I have to dig deeper from a wider range of resources —

I learned the Critical Skill of Optimism —which gives us the attitude to continue to persist —and I learned how Optimism is the most important factor in resilience and in all of life - well-being and strong relationships;
I commit myself to living for clarified purposes that are bigger than myself, this is not limited to relationships, it is even better for our wellbeing to have an attachment to something larger than yourself which might also be to a mission, to a purpose, to an idea, something that you believe is critically important and worth fighting for (by the way, my personal mission is that all of you are worth fighting for);
I learned what my Personality/Character Strengths are and I learned how to leverage them;
I Developed Mental Agility;
I learned how to create a “buffer of positivity”, and what is called the “Broaden And Build” theory of positive emotions;
I learned how to take control of “thinking traps” by applying “cognitive strategies”…

All of these are what is so effective about the newest branch of psychology that I approach my life by to overcome all that I do overcome— where in addition to everything else, we build strengths supports.

Positivity Psychology, a somewhat newer term, describes a dual approach to mental health- where we build strengths supports, and healthy lifestyles, as well as treating illness and distress.

AlI of this is all what I will keep breaking down into chunks in most of my posts here to this group.
This takes some work first on my part - to keep breaking down the many variables- so bear with me.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #Disability #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Depression #Anxiety #MoodDisorders #MotorDisorders #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #BipolarDisorder #Selfcare #ADHD #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Cancers #Addiction #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #RheumatoidArthritis #SocialAnxiety #LearningDisabilities #CrohnsDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #RecurringMDD #TreatmentresistantDepression #Mindfulness #MDD #TRDSupport #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MultipleSclerosis #LymeDisease #MajorDepression #ClinicalDepression #MotivationMonday #resilience #Grief

So many new things happening as of late.

Humera helped not a bit. The first month and a half felt great and it reminded me the good of being human. Five months later and my rheumatologist put me on a new medicine called Enbrel(amongst my 55 other meds I take for my many conditions).

I took my first dose on Sunday but I feel as bad as if I wasn't taking any meds whatsoever.

Years ago my EDS meant I had to learn to walk more carefully so I didn't dislocate my joints hundreds of times a day and using my tendons wrong, bruising them left and right. Now I have to relearn and the pain is simply horrific.

And my whole digestive system is a mess of course. Swallowing ten times just to get one bite down really takes any good out of food. Constant nausea and vomiting doesn't improve anything whatsoever.

And a hundred more symptoms of misery makes my huge mountain of existing even heavier.

Yeah I am blessed in many things but health or ease of existing are most definitely not on any of the lists.
Only a very cursed body that does work hard to try to do its best in aiding me, poor thing. Thankful for the small bit of good it tries to do while also wishing I could trade bodies with a healthy person for at least one day.

If only!😕🫤😔

Alas, I wait still for my new meds to start working with fingers crossed and tears streaming down.
Thank heaven that I at least have a few doctors that are trying!
Such a long 29 years of devastating suspense!!!

May the holidays bring the light and hope you deserve this season. And if not, may these Christmas lights on my family's tree lift your soul for even a small bit of time ✨️✨️✨️

#AmplifiedMusculoskeletalPainSyndrome #Arthritis #Asthma #Anxiety #AnkylosingSpondylitis #bedbound #BoneSplints #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #CheerMeOn #Upallnight #IfYouFeelHopeless #Depression #Disability #DistractMe #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Endometriosis #Eczema #Fibromyalgia #GastroesophagealRefluxDisease #Grief #gallstones #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Hypersomnia #HighBloodPressure #Headache #JuvenileRheumatoidArthritis #Insomnia #Lymphedema #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Psoriasis #PsoriaticArthritis #Psychosis #plantarfasciitis #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #PTSD #MentalHealth #MightyTogether #MightyPets #Migraine #MemoryLoss #musclespasms #MultipleAutoimmuneSyndrome #RareDisease #RheumatoidArthritis #SuicidalThoughts #Scoliosis #sciatica #ShinSplints #Sleepwalking #MajorDepressiveDisorder #nightterrors

The ennui and anomie... The complete disinterest in things which once kept me animated... Coffee or tea to begin with... Beer... Food in general... Was choosy with types and brands once. And I liked and craved good food and had my choices. Movies too I looked forward... Recall the ways I brewed my coffee. And savour my boutique tea. Today none of these enthuse ... Just about holding on to music which too I feel losing interest in... In fact I attempted to expand my choice of music to more popular... Taylor Swift, Eminem, Beyonce.. Bollywood songs (I'm from India) But no luck. Reading I still manage and get excited by certain books on politics and history... Socialising is next to non existent where again I barely seek anyone's company. Being alone and single for long now that too seems to have some logic to it. But yes... I'm anxious now... Evidently my chronic depression, despair and not in the last my age too has everything to do with my state. Just tired of everything, hopeless, stewing in my loneliness, grief and anguish which to be honest seems the reality and truth in my life. My pooch is the only company but notice how my own regret, hopelessness rubs off on my pet too. It too tries its best to get me animated but over months has resigned itself to my extreme lows. I did travel a bit but as mused in my previous post, it barely stirred or excited me in ways I used to relate to travel. I don't find anyone I can share my experience and observations with any gusto or verve. Social media surprisingly with the kind of groups on history, grief, heritage, films I follow in some way offers familiarity from my past. But the fear of all dissipating is so palpable. Extinguishing all cause for living... is happening.
#Anxiety #Loss #Shame #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Grief #Loneliness #failure

Dry bones rattle in a lonely soul
Slipped and fell into a deep black hole
I can tell you're lost, I'm here for you
Wildfires burning you down to stone
Blind eyes, turning from a world so cold
A million miles apart, within my reach
It's not like me to worry
But when I see you fading in the dark
I'll leave a light on for you
Through the long nights, I will be right
There for you if you drift too far
I'll leave a light on for you, you, you
The rain comes following an endless drought
To wash away the remnants of all your doubt
I hope that you'll see me looking out…….”

Please 🙏 go to this link below for a Guide to having a Real Conversation about mental health and pass this on, share it with everyone and anyone that you need to be there for you, and they just don’t know how they can help you.

I have found out myself within the past year with an old friend of mine that she just needed my guidance on how she could be a better and supportive friend through my dark which is only a part, but still a part of who I genuinely am. And she realizes now that to be my friend is to know about all of me. And, she has actually become really great at giving me the support I need without me asking for it too. And, our friendship has grown stronger from the honesty and true empathy.

On their website in their real convo guide they start by saying this that people do not know and they get wrong — “you don’t need special training to have an open, authentic conversation about mental health – and often, just talking about it can be the first important step in understanding where someone is with their mental health.”

How to Start and Continue a Convo About Mental Health | AFSP

At the beginning of the song’s video there is silence with a black screen and these words in white:
“Suicide is a topic that hides in the shadows.
It’s Time we talk away the dark.
We can all play a role in keeping ourselves, and the people in our lives (and community) safe.
Let’s leave a light on for each other by learning how to Talk Away the dark.

The song’s royalties will directly benefit the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) for the rest of it’s existence. Suicide has impacted almost everyone and it’s so important to “Talk Away The Dark” and teach all how to have a conversation that could safe a life.

The lyrics also exist as a shoulder to lean on for those who feel alone in times of mental turmoil.

Frontman Jacoby Shaddix emphasized that mental health is not an individual struggle, but rather a serious issue that "affects all of us."

Finally, the critical message is starting to get out there that We All have a role in preventing suicide and supporting each other’s mental health.

#MightyMusic #Music #musictherapy #Songs #Lyrics #MentalHealth #Depression #Grief #Loneliness #Anxiety #Caregiving #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #Disability #CerebralPalsy #RareDisease #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #MoodDisorders #MotorDisorders #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #DepressiveDisorders #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #IfYouFeelHopeless #MightyTogether #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #Fibromyalgia #ParkinsonsDisease #Migraine #Cancers #POTS #CheckInWithMe #FamilyAndFriends #Epilepsy #Autism #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder

I wanted to start a conversation about dealing with impending doom; how do you cope with it? Does it completely consume you, drain all of your energy and paralize you? Or does it send you into survival mode where you become resilient and the strength from within is energized? Do you reach out to certain individuals or groups such as mighty? Read a specific book, listen to a specific podcast, take a particular action such as a walk with nature? Share your thoughts and experiences, your techniques and/or resources that work in helping you pull out of it. #MightyTogether #Depression #Grief #SuicidalThoughts #Trauma #IfYouFeelHopeless