Just one of those days #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety
Yesterday at work was overwhelming, cried a lot during my shift. It’s tiring when my emotions become too much to bare and it sends me into a spiral. A lot of suicidal ideation going on, but I have to repeatedly tell myself that these feelings will pass, but my stupid brain follows up with “but it’ll happen again, and gain, and again…which pushes me over the edge. It’s the next day and I definitely feel guilty for existing, for feeling this way, for how I acted yesterday the fact it effects all aspects of my life. I just feel like a terrible unlikable person. I’m physically and mentally exhausted today I’m trying not to blow $$$ and stray away from suicidal thoughts. I’m considering ordering takeout because I know I won’t be able to get out of bed today.. but I’ll feel bad for ordering food. I wish someone could tell me ‘it’s okay’.
I’m picking up a second job! Finances has always been an issue with me, but now I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m 23 and had to move out when I was 19 I’ve always been in fight and flight mode since 16 when I started working to support my family the burnout is real…it does suck that I had to grow up fast (starting at 12)
Another thing I’ve been struggling with is self love, what is self love?? I feel it’s so broad I don’t get it…I struggle with the concept of love in general… I’ll be seeing a new therapist next week so I’ll bring it up with them. I read articles about it but it’s still hard to grasp.. I’ll need someone to explain it to me to my face lol
I’m also not enjoying this new medication, I wish I could go back to my previous one but I can’t cus of the allergic reaction…I need to throw them out cus I keep getting “what if…” thoughts on trying them out again.
Here’s a picture of my sweetie sugar plum kitty Fiona