#Grief

My nephew I never got to meet alive, died two weeks ago. I met him as he was intubated and lined. I'm an ER nurse in NC and trauma is my job but I'd never imagine I'd be in these shoes right now. I was in nurse mode the whole time I was back home. Trying to take care of everyone in my life. I'm back home now. My nephews death has a lot of complicated factors. And has really affected me once I got back home. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm isolative and tired. I hate everyone. The layers to this loss are constantly exposed to me daily and the loss is a loss for many things in my own life. Not to take away from anyone else in my family but I've lost my daughter 5 years ago. This is like replaying it all over again. I was supposed to get married in two years, with all the complications to my nephews lost... My wedding is held off or possibly canceled. My relationship with my parents was getting way better (we've had a complicated relationship with me being the identified patient and my brother being the hero). My parents are now thrusted into the chaos that the other part of my family has thrung them into. And my protectiveness of my brother continues to be overshadowed by the complicated relationship with his other half. And the other half is another book of concerns of maladaptive personality and issues. I'm just over this. I feel like I don't want to exist anymore. I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, but I'm so tired. So tired of all of this. I wish I was born to a different family, a different life. My grief is overwhelming and the fact another child in my family no longer here makes me devastated. I wish people would still telling me it's okay, it'll be okay, God knows best. I want to smack then all in anger. But I just continue to nod. I hope this heals one day. #traumaticloss #feelinghopeless #angryateveryone