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I can’t do this anymore

I writen this many times. The thoughts run in my brain and won’t go away. Totay I saw that I’m done with the negative friendships. But today I’m still the one at fault for expressing my feelings to my mother in law in my room. Everyone can hear it no privacy for me. I can’t express myself without being told I’m wrong.
Now my husband wants to keep the peace and forcing me to make peace with sownboay who has caused me so much drama and hurt. Who says so steal all her stuff etc. she donated out we tried to sale it wouldn’t sale and told I’m jealous of her because I can’t take her hurting me anymore. I don’t care anymore about how she feels because she has made me feel so worthless and I can’t do anything.
I’m not listened to and my husband defends her saying I am jelaous and I can’t be alone and so on. She’s got him believing stupidness that isn’t true about his wife.
I refuse to talk to her don’t want her in my life anymore. They want to talk I’m done with it. I called my mother in law and she agreed that I don’t need this stress and my husband needs to see my feelings he only sees theirs because he won’t stop going up there (which he said he wouldn’t and I’m jealous for asking him to focus on his wife)
I’m feeling bad, but maybe I shouldn’t what do you think? Am I a horrible person for not doing it anymore. For noticing how much she wants her wishes respected but she doesn’t do it with me. Does this make me a bad person for saying I had enough I’m not doing this. Since we were six she did this to me. I don’t see how I am jealous really don’t have anything to be jealous about. I am not the reason stuff is happening to her but I have been her punching bag to long and my anxiety is through the roof. I just needed to be listened to not snapped at or told I’m wrong for having these feelings been told that even from my husband which hurts the most .
Help me I’m dying inside….
#helpme #needhelp #feelinghopeless #notme #ihatelifehere #livingwithahypercrite

33 reactions 11 comments

TW feeling hopeless 😞

I’ve been struggling with my mental health over the past few months and have been on leave from work. I have good and bad days but today I just feel so hopeless, I’m a single parent with 2 kids still living at home, I’m feeling like I’ve lost passion for my work and like what do I have to live for? I’m afraid to lose my house….I don’t know what I want to do and just feel like this is it…this is as good as it gets. I’m tired of being sad and miserable….meds just don’t cut it…I have weekly counselling sessions but feel like I’m a lost cause. I have no one to talk to and I just feel scared…. #ChronicDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #MajorDepressiveDisorder #feelinghopeless


Ketamine Infusions for treatment resistant depression

I’ve now had 6 ketamine infusions for my treatment resistant depression. I had hope, especially after the first treatment. It went so well. It felt like I could travel back in time to periods of my life where I was most miserable and let myself know things would improve.

Technically, they have, but not due to the ketamine.

After 6 treatments, and more than 2 weeks since my last treatment, I have lost my short term memory, I have anger outbursts, I have started self-harming again, and my suicidal ideations have gotten worse.

I know it does help many. I’ve been in therapy constantly since 2006, many different medications, and I have had periods of improvement, but I’m in periods of major depression more than anything. And have not recalled feeling happy since before the birth of my first child 22 years ago. I lost a lot of blood with that delivery, and was borderline in need of a transfusion. They didn’t give me one for fear of HIV/AIDS back then.

My new issue is what next? I don’t think anything else is possible. TMS is not proven as effective as ketamine and where ECT is, the permanent risk of cognitive impairment isn’t worth it.


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Feeling uncontrollable rage (continued)

So yeah. Tired of going to a church where there’s so much money. In fact, I’m tired of living in a town with so much money floating around everywhere. The people here are some the rudest, short tempered, entitled, jerk-wads that ever walked the planet. It might as well be called Karen! 😁 but on a more serious note. I guess I’ve got rock bottom and kept drilling for oil to get rich because this is the lowest I have ever been with no hope of any help in sight! Does anybody else feel this way? Just curious because this is the #?!]% - fill in the blank. Now I’m too tired to keep typing. #Rage #Depression #CymbaltaWithdrawal #feelinghopeless #Fibromyaliga #Disability #feelingworthless #wheresthechurch #suffering #everythingsgoingwrong #CheckInWithMe


I hate how dark it feels

Im currently in the living room in my cozy couch of my home. I’m surrounded by my three beautiful angels and a very loving husband but I feel so emptied and dark inside but why?? #feelinghopeless #wtf #IHateFeelingThisWay


Feeling depressed, angry, irritable


My nephew I never got to meet alive, died two weeks ago. I met him as he was intubated and lined. I'm an ER nurse in NC and trauma is my job but I'd never imagine I'd be in these shoes right now. I was in nurse mode the whole time I was back home. Trying to take care of everyone in my life. I'm back home now. My nephews death has a lot of complicated factors. And has really affected me once I got back home. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm isolative and tired. I hate everyone. The layers to this loss are constantly exposed to me daily and the loss is a loss for many things in my own life. Not to take away from anyone else in my family but I've lost my daughter 5 years ago. This is like replaying it all over again. I was supposed to get married in two years, with all the complications to my nephews lost... My wedding is held off or possibly canceled. My relationship with my parents was getting way better (we've had a complicated relationship with me being the identified patient and my brother being the hero). My parents are now thrusted into the chaos that the other part of my family has thrung them into. And my protectiveness of my brother continues to be overshadowed by the complicated relationship with his other half. And the other half is another book of concerns of maladaptive personality and issues. I'm just over this. I feel like I don't want to exist anymore. I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, but I'm so tired. So tired of all of this. I wish I was born to a different family, a different life. My grief is overwhelming and the fact another child in my family no longer here makes me devastated. I wish people would still telling me it's okay, it'll be okay, God knows best. I want to smack then all in anger. But I just continue to nod. I hope this heals one day. #traumaticloss #feelinghopeless #angryateveryone

1 comment

What should I do?

I am sleepy bit o don't want to sleep at all ..I wanna do some work bhut I don't have energy for that..I didn't study at all..I've got a lot on my mind these days.i feel isolated and separated from the world .no one sees me..I'm constantly at war with myself..I only feel like crying these days..I get sad very suddenly..I feel like am no good..my looks my college my future everything worries me..am no good at any field..I am a loses and I don't like it..There's a deep unexplained sadness in me that's eating away at my hopes and dreams and literally want to fade away from this world peacefully.i don't know what is wrong with me...I don't want to loive like this any more but I don't know what shoul I do ... #Depression #Sadness #FeelingEmpty #feelingexhausted #feelinghopeless #feelinnothing #helpme

1 comment

#feelinghopeless #sad

Hey guys, I need a bit of advice. I have been feeling very down lately. I know the reason is because I have been hanging out with my ex and we actually broke up a year ago. All the emotions of why we broke up is starting to come back and it makes me feel like I am not good enough for anyone cause he always used to look down on me and criticize me for who I am not. He always used to say how much he loves me and how much potential he can see in me. Because of all the past hurt I’m questioning everything in my life and starting to wonder is life even worth living as everyone says it’s hard and life just gets harder. He recently dated someone new and broke up with her and it makes me questions myself even more. I just feel like I was soooooo happy and that happiness is only in my life for a short time and then it gets ripped out of my hands again. I don’t feel like I have a healthy support system from my friends cause I feel like I’m a burden to them when I talk about things going on in my life. I just need some positivity and support to feel like there are people that cares.


Moving Forward Chained to the Past #BPD #ADHD #Suicide

I'm not allowed happiness of my own. I've realised that now. After 2 and a half years battling the heartbreak and the loss of not only my marriage but of my family. It broke me. My mental health took a fall, I fell back on old coping mechanisms (drugs) and things got really messed up for a long time there. But I was finally pulling my way out of the darkness, finally clawing my way back into the light. I had met someone and we were taking things very slow neither of us were fully healed from our past. Then the ex found out and utilised her biggest ace cards, our children to subsequently twist the whole scenario into something it wasn't. 2 days on and I've realised I'm not allowed happiness. She is still with the so called man she cheated on me with that destroyed the family and he has been openly accepted and considered part of the family. But I am not allowed that. I am not deserving of a piece of happiness for myself. I am to forever sit in purgatory, held by my past, never allowed a future... #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #erlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Suicide #CheckInWithMe #feelinghopeless #Addiction #complextrauma



why does anger me so much that my husband can sit on his ass all day and night playing the bloody PlayStation? (why) the poor bugger is on holiday he works hard . but that work takes him away from home a lot and I want to do things with him and my daughter 11aged who is just as bad on her switch . I could honestly walk out the door and they wouldn’t notice . #feelinghopeless #feelinggrumpy

1 comment