It’s the not feeling good enough. That’s what it is. That’s where you start. It starts with that initial feeling of being certain that you know how worthless you are.
Maybe it was that one off comment about how pretty you’d be if you were skinnier. Or someone telling you how pretty your face is. Or any other compliment about your body instead of your being.
Maybe it’s looking into the mirror and seeing something completely different than reality. Someone who’s ugly. Someone who doesn’t deserve anyone else’s love until their perfect. You must be perfect.
Maybe it’s avoiding your friend’s calls or text messages. You don’t want to go out and pretend that you’re going to eat. Then make up some excuse about how you’re broke or just not hungry. It’s simple if you avoid people, you avoid the temptation to give into food.
Maybe it’s the lonely, a deep seeded lonely that not many people would understand. You’re alone on this self-destructive path of what you think gaining self-love is. One that none of your friends would get. You’re losing you.
Maybe it’s forgetting what hunger actually feels like because you’re too far gone to remember. Your brain has stopped telling your body that you’re hungry.
Maybe it’s the feeling of control. Control you get by deciding if you want to eat or not. Controlling what your body will look like. This isn’t controlling you, you’re controlling it.
Maybe it’s the constant craving of compliments. The smiles from people who you thought wouldn’t have given you the time of day before. The outside validation from everyone else makes you sure you’re “doing the right thing.”
Maybe it’s having no energy. No energy for anything or anyone.
Maybe it’s comparing yourself to every woman smaller than you. Because they’re better than you. That’s what you tell yourself anyways. You aren’t good enough.
Maybe it’s getting to your goal weight and not being satisfied. You’re never going to be satisfied until the person looking back at you is perfect. But what really is perfect anyways? Does it even exist?
Maybe it’s finally realizing that you’ve lost control. That you don’t have the power anymore. That you’re starting to feel like you’re caught in a prison; mentally, physically, emotionally.
Maybe it’s taking that first step admitting to yourself that you need help. Then taking that next step talking about your struggle with someone you trust. Then slowly but surely it’s getting back to who you were. Who you were before this monster controlled you.
Because you as you are, is perfectly imperfect.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
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Thinkstock photo via domoyega
Alex is a writer that’s been featured on Thought Catalog, The Mighty and Teen Vogue. She writes about love, mental health and wanderlust… three things she studies extensively. When she’s not writing, she’s trying to take her lazy Bernese Mountain Dog, Roscoe, on hikes or trying to explore something new. Her first book came out in September 2016 and her second book that focuses on Mental Health and Relationships was released in August 2017. You can check out her writing here; www.alexandriabrown.ca.
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