I Refuse to Let My Eating Disorder Make Me Miss Out on Summer

When the temperature goes up, there’s a certain buzz in the air. People talking about beach vacations, rhapsodizing over their love of sundresses and the onslaught of getting “bikini ready.” As someone in a second round of eating disorder recovery this summer, it may be the most anxiety-provoking time of year. Clothes get smaller in the summer, and more body parts are exposed. Getting dressed each morning becomes more of a battle as my level of success or failure (as defined by my eating disorder) is on full display. There are no layers to hide behind, no bundling up to disguise myself. As I work to achieve weight restoration, I can’t help but become hyper-aware of every media outlet barking orders to slim down for summer.

Recovery in the summer seems to come with its own unique set of challenges. I believe insecurities in everyone are heightened and preyed on by gyms and diet plans. The concept of a “beach body” can send shivers down the spine of even the most body-confidant human. I find this also becomes a time when everyone can “relate” to my eating disorder. Be it commenting on how hard their diet is, how they understand my anxiety about swimwear or trying to reassure me they wish they could have my discipline — it all sends my brain spiraling towards that darkness where self-hate and shame thrive.

I wish those around me knew about how much the summer can affect my mental state. Watching people walk in the park, casually licking an ice cream cone is as foreign to me as a dog walking on their hind legs. Comments about how you “can’t eat” before going to the beach make it that much harder to advocate for myself to follow my meal plan. Articles displaying the “best beach bodies” further reinforce my belief that I am only worthy if my body conforms to an arbitrary ideal.

This summer, I’m striving to keep in mind that missing out on all those ice cream cones doesn’t have to continue. That I have a “beach body” simply by being on the beach with a body, and my self-worth is in no way related to my external appearance. This summer, I refuse to miss out on soaking up that buzz in the air. I’m stepping out of that darkness, and into the warmth of the sun.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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Thinkstock photo via eternalcreative.