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To the Person Up All Night With Anxiety

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Dear Me,

The sun has probably gone down and you’re laying in bed trying to shut your eyes tight and forcing yourself to go to sleep, but your mind is racing at a million miles per second. Your muscles tense up and can’t feel anything, yet somehow seem to feel everything. All the tension is then released, and it feels like your body just ran 15 laps nonstop.

You probably didn’t have much to eat all day because your appetite just all of a sudden disappeared. Even the thought of eating makes you extremely nauseous. It’s not like your friends will notice if you skip a meal or two. Soon two skipped meals turns into four which turns into eight, which turns into days with just enough to keep you barely standing during the day.

You are constantly afraid. Fear is your middle name. Too scared to leave the house, too nervous to drive a car, too frightened to be involved with everyday life. This irrational fear has taken a hold of your mind and doesn’t seem to put your thoughts in order correctly. All your “what-ifs” come into play, and everything turns for the worst in your head. It causes you not to do anything. It causes you not to be.

You don’t know how to explain what is wrong, even to your closest of friends. You want them to help, but you can’t seem to figure out how they can do so. You decide to push them away because just the idea of somebody thinking something is wrong with you causes your anxiety levels to raise. You suddenly feel self-conscious about everything. You feel like you’re not valuable enough to them, as if they will get bored or tired of dealing with your issues. You’re screaming for help on the inside, but nothing except “I’m fine” comes out of your mouth. Why? Why is it so hard to surrender?

​You wonder what it is that makes you feel this way; your not-so-perfect family, your not-so-simple heartbreak, or your not-so-ordinary failures. You don’t know how to react, you don’t know when to react. You feel too much. Enough to make you so tired and drained that you eventually don’t feel anything at all. Enough to make you feel numb.

You start to think of yourself as “crazy” — crazy enough to think you’re not worth anybody’s time, anyone’s love, anything at all.

But you’re not.

It’s OK to not be OK.

As hard as it is to believe that you are, you’re not. As you are reading this you are probably agreeing with how sane you know you actually are, but your feelings are telling you something completely different. Your constant battle with your head versus your heart is back in full-swing. It’s OK. Keep trying, keep working, keep striving towards becoming better.

But don’t let it define you. Don’t allow yourself to believe that you are anxiety. It comes. It goes. You come. You go. You live. You move on.



Follow this journey on Boldly Bee.

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Originally published: March 14, 2017
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