When Anxiety Makes Finding Your Soul Mate Seem Impossible
My anxiety tends to paint a doubtful picture of my future, causing me to question the plausibility of my hopes and dreams. These wishes of mine, which are meant to hearten, are instead laden with fear. My thoughts begin to race as I wonder: “Will I one day be able to hold a full-time job? Will I be able to provide for a family?” I try to focus on managing my anxiety for the present day, yet worries regarding my future, especially the distant future, always seem to take hold in my mind.
For instance, one of my most meaningful aspirations is to find my soul mate. I yearn to live for someone else, giving my unconditional love to him and receiving his in return. He would help me to grow and believe in myself, and I would do the same for him. We would offer each other wholehearted acceptance. Sadly, my anxious voice rises in volume and asks me the following questions as I dream of finding someone to love:
How will he notice you if you’re afraid to make eye contact or speak with him?
How will you meet anyone if you’re afraid to go on a date?
How can you promise to always be there for him when managing your worries consumes a lot of your energy?
Won’t you hold him back, since your fears limit you?
Each question pierces my heart, revealing to me how low of a level my self-esteem has reached. In this reflective moment, one last question emerges, shattering my heart entirely: How can he love you when you don’t love yourself?
When I think about this last question, turning it over and over in my mind, I realize that it’s not that I don’t love myself; it’s just that I don’t offer myself an unconditional love. I always find something to critique about myself, both internally and externally. Every victory of mine, which I should celebrate, becomes overshadowed by a cloud of self-doubt. Thus, I’m afraid to bring someone else into my world with anxiety, because it’s a world I’m still trying to navigate and understand, and I don’t want to cause anyone excess worry. Yet, I firmly believe we are all meant to love and be loved and that love can withstand any fear.
On this journey to find whom I am meant to love, I also ask for courage to love myself wholeheartedly, to see myself in the way that my future love will see me. I want my faith to be stronger than my doubt. I may have anxiety, yet I also have a lot of love to give.
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Writing is my haven, granting me a voice and a means of expressing myself. Writing has helped me to understand my anxiety better. The stories that I read on The Mighty give me a sense of hope, and I aspire to share that hope with others, too.
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