Anxiety is my best friend.
When I was a young girl, I met someone who changed my perspective on life. She was my friend, someone who was there for me in ways I couldn’t explain. We were attached at the hip from the very beginning, and it remained that way for some time. She was my partner, the one who gave me advice that I weaved through life’s wicker basket of decisions.
It was a Saturday. The sun was shining into my room as I was getting ready for my little sister’s bowling tournament. The windows were open and the breeze coming in was calming. I had the radio playing Simple Plan, a band that my kid sister and I shared a love for. Needless to say, the morning was going by in a pleasing manner.
Then — it happened.
My friend came into the room with a smile on her face that seemed a little mischievous. She was always a little more on the spontaneous side than I was. You see, I was, and always have been, a quiet girl until you get to know me. My friend took me by the hand and walked me to my full length mirror decorated with band photos and pictures of my hamsters, Princess and Sassy. She stood by my side and we both looked directly at the image before us. At this point, I wasn’t sure what was happening, but she whispered something gently — “You are not enough.”
From that moment on, those words branded into my soul.
My friend, who I put my trust in, who was always by my side, had crushed me.
And her name was Anxiety.
She’s like a whirl pool that spirals deep into the ground. She’s your conscious that’s at every corner of your mind. She is an overthinker, an underestimator, a crack in the sidewalk. She will set you up for failure because you can’t get her words out of your mind.
She will depress you, ruin your confidence, make you second guess every aspect of your life at every second of the day.
She will consume you.
She will enable you to forever think you’re not enough.
Some days, she won’t let you get out of bed because you can’t stop thinking about her.
She will ruin your best days, your confident days, in the drop of a hat.
She will control all of your thoughts, dreams and motivators.
She will separate you from everyone you love because she has a way of twisting your emotions around at any given moment.
Sometimes you’re extroverted, but she will permanently make you introverted.
You’ll break promises, you will push your friends away, you will become unreliable.
Her words will consume you. She will consume you.
Anxiety is the darkness.
But I am the light.
Anxiety is my best friend, but someday, is will change to was.
And on that day, I will rejoice. There is hope.
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Thinkstock photo via Hemera Technologies.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I wanted to apart of something bigger, somewhere that shared stories of those who struggle in their own way. I am here to let everyone know they are not alone.
miranda-fitzgerald