Helping My Daughter to Fight Her Anxiety While Also Fighting My Own

I have been struggling with my own anxiety since I was a teen, so I am not completely taken by surprise that my middle daughter, now 14, is displaying some intense symptoms of anxiety and stress. She’s always been a bit more temperamental than my oldest daughter and we have struggled and succeeded in getting through some hurdles through her developmental stages together. I am so proud of her and myself really because these were not easy times.

We are now here again — in a place of uncertainty, frustration and at times hopelessness while we maneuver through this new challenge for her and us as a family. A positive here is that I understand her struggle; even though her anxiety displays in a different way than mine typically does, I can feel for her deeply. It took me a little time to realize what was happening, and what she was going through. You have a teenage female here; I was expecting some hormones, some ups and downs, happy and sad times, but things just didn’t seem right. I questioned in my head; is she manipulating me and the situation? Does my child just not want to go to school? Once I started really “seeing” her, the pain in her eyes, how she could not bring herself to even leave her bed, let alone the house, I knew this was more than just a teen being a teen. My child was in pain and truly suffering and struggling.

I deal with my anxiety mostly by hiding it, and I hide it quite well more often than not. I get up each day and go about my routine, take care of myself and my family; no one knows what lurks inside my head, the pain and the struggle I fight each day. When it all gets too much, I break down, and then I rebuild and I get back to life again. I knew enough to reach out for help for myself from medical professionals, and over the years have found a way to manage with medication, and asking for help from a select few of people I can trust. I have learned ways to manage and get through those more difficult times.

My beautiful young girl has a wonderful and promising life in front of her. I can see it all in my head and sometimes she does too. When her anxiety takes over, it looks different for her. My child shuts down, she cries, shakes and taps her fingers. She repeats negative dialogue out loud. She has no positive thoughts during those moments. She will get a headache and nausea long before an event she worries about is even going to happen. My child is going through torture and I am a spectator. We’ve learned some things that help her in these situations but it has not been near enough to help her in the long-term.

As a parent, all you want to do is be able to help her, fix the problem and make everything better and easier. Anxiety is not a quick fix; Mommy can’t kiss it better. I hug and kiss her and hold her, motivate and reassure her always, but the anxiety‘s voice is louder than mine, than hers. What are parent and child to do? We cry together. Her anxiety gives me anxiety; it feels like a vicious circle, but she’s my baby so I will fight through my pain to support her. Right now, we are asking for help; we have reached out to our family doctor and we are referred to the mental health program in our area. The waiting time is months long, but we are going to wait. We have advocated for her and have the support of her school, teachers and support staff and they have been wonderful to her and our family with accommodating as best as they can. I have given her support numbers to call if she can’t talk to me.

I think, most importantly, we do not give up. We keep fighting for her, for us, for our family to live in joy and peace. For my child to get the support she needs so she can thrive and live a happy and fulfilling life. This will be a lifelong journey but we will do it together, hand in hand.