Why I Wrote a Letter to the 'Anxious Me'

My depressive episodes of bipolar bring about unrelenting anxiety. The questions I fill my head with that have no relevance…The self-hate talk that consumes my every thought… The unrelenting feeling my loved ones will finally get tired of me and leave. The fear that I’m ruining my children… Not to mention the thoughts of suicide that hide behind everything else. When it all gets too loud in there, in my head, I lose myself to anger and irritability. I cry, I scream, I throw things, I say the things I can never take back. I say them to myself and to those who love me.

Recently, I sat down and decided to write myself a letter. A letter to the anxious me. A letter to the “me” I am when my thoughts, feelings and reactions no longer allow me to be conscious of who I really am.

Here it is:

Amanda,

If you are reading this, you must be having a hard time. Just remember you are a good person. This won’t last forever. You are kind, funny and intelligent. You love your family and friends. You are a good mom who loves and lives for her children. You are artistic and creative. You are witty and sarcastic. You love your pets and all animals. You love music and the Counting Crows. You share what you have with whoever is in need. You care about your home and making it feel comfortable. You are pretty. You are brave and strong. You will feel better. This feeling won’t last. You are going to get better. It is going to be OK soon.

I try to read it, or at least remember it when an episode strikes. It helps me remember who I am when I am not in the grips of depression and anxiety. It shows a reflection of who I am to myself. I am reminded it won’t last forever — it never does. What does last forever is the fact I have a mental illness. That will not change. But in those times when going into the dark seems like the end, I know I will come back to the light eventually. Night never lasts forever. I am reminded of who, what and why I am and why I am reading this love letter to myself.

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Unsplash photo via Helloquence.