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What It's Like to Have Negative Thoughts All Day Long

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What are you doing?

You should have woken up earlier.

You’re wasting another day just like you always do.

Shut up. You don’t control me. I’m awake when I need to be for work today.

Oh, right. You’re going back to work. You know no one there likes you. You see the way they look at you. You’re not wanted there. You should just quit.

Nope, not today. I’m going and you’ll have to deal with it.

You mean you’ll have to deal with knowing everyone there hates you.

I finally manage to pull myself out of the bed to take a shower and say hello to my roommate.

He’s mad at you.

No, he’s tired because he just woke up.

He’s annoyed at you for being so lazy. You need to do more, take out the trash, clean the kitchen. How long have those dishes been in the sink?

Stop it.

I take my shower and drive Joey to his work before heading to my own.

He’s using you. He’s only friends with you so he can have a roommate and someone to drive him to work.

I take him to work because I’m his friend and it’s symbiotic. I can’t survive right now without him.

Exactly. You’re worthless. You had your own apartment before. You were respected and had a good job. You threw that all away. What a piece of trash.

I am far happier now compared to back then.

Are you really though? You’re broke and alone.

I get to work and change into my scrubs before heading to the floor, my mind peacefully quiet for the time being until things settle down after the shift-change.

You didn’t check the filters on that last pan. It’s going to get contaminated and someone will get an infection because of you.

I double-checked it three times already because of you.

You forgot the bottom filter on the left. It’s not in place.

(I get back up and grab my last pan and check again to make sure I properly placed the filter. I did.) I told you I did it.

Not that one. The one that’s already in the sterilizer.

Good luck. I quadruple-checked that one too. Leave me alone.

A couple more hours pass surprisingly quietly until The Beast notices a look my coworker gives me.

She thinks you’re arrogant you know. You’ve seen that look on women before.

She doesn’t think I’m arrogant. She just doesn’t have anything to say to me. We both prefer that. I prefer it because it’s a sweet taste to feel you so depressed.

You prefer it because you don’t trust anyone.

Leave me alone. She’s like my work mom. She likes me.

You’re just saying that to make yourself feel better. You’re a loser.

Work ends, and I’m heading to my car with some coworkers.

It’s so dark out. You need a first shift job. Not that you could get one. You only got this job because you knew a manager.

I could get another job if I wanted to. I happen to enjoy second shift.

You tell yourself that because you say you can get things done in the morning but you never wake up early enough. I told you that earlier. God, you’re so worthless you can’t even remember nine hours ago.

I remember your lies full well. You say that every morning. I would get up earlier if someone wasn’t keeping me awake all night.

I am you. You’re keeping you awake, don’t blame something that doesn’t exist.

That’s contradictory.

There’s that look again. Look! Another one is mad at you.

Why would he be mad at me? He invited me to the bar next week for his birthday.

He only invited you to make you feel better. It’s not his real party. No one would invite you to those. Your co-workers all think you’re slow.

No, they don’t. They ask me for help all the time.

Yeah, with easy things. It’s all to make you feel better and make you think you belong. It’s all lies. You’re worthless and alone, just give up.

I tell my coworkers I’ll see them tomorrow and get in my car. The music plays and my mind is silent. Music, it seems, is the only escape I have from The Beast. I walk through the door at home and sit with my roommate for a minute talking about our respective days until I sequester myself in my room, blaring the music through my headset on my computer. I allow the hours to fly by while I waste time on video games and movies just to quiet The Beast. I wait until I’m tired enough to fall asleep quickly without trying. I remove my headset.

It’s late and you’ll wake up late again. You’ve wasted another day before it even began.

Let me sleep. I’m not worthless, but the part of my brain that allows you to reside there is.

Like I said before, I am you. You just called yourself worthless. I’m glad you’re finally seeing the light.

Just shut up. I hate you.

Even you’re smart enough to know what I have to say to that. Hey, this weekend let’s go to the bar. I want to laugh at you while you think about talking to women. It’ll be so much fun to watch them laugh at how ugly you are…

And it begins again.

Getty image via francescoch

Originally published: January 2, 2019
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